Category Archives: reflections within

reflections within

and then

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Yesterday and today my mind has been opened. I am rereading Love Is A Choice and responding equally strongly as however many years ago when I first read it. I imagine I have a different array and even a different level of things to reflect the information against now. I have kicks that I get on with different books and authors, or different people, and like I said in the last blog, I wish I knew where my central beliefs and passions lay so as not to sway with the breeze so much. I love a book (or a person) that states its ideas unwaveringly – I always have. When will I get to that point myself?
I do feel like this particular book has many of the ingredients to help me dissect and then reattach myself to the world and to a life less based on ups and downs and confusing, fleeting passions. It speaks of a life which accounts for all the many layers and interests inside us all.

originally published on 9/23/06

reflections within

Bigg

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I have made a list of things which I would like to trace back to their familial roots. I have been continuing to journal about finding my place in the puzzle which is my family of origin. Here are the categories I would like to investigate:
Money, Food, Exercise, Work Ethic, Sleep, The Arts, Emotional Expression, Religion, Rebellion.

These would certainly be a good start. I can tell already that comparing my feelings to those of other family members will uncover many sources of my tendencies. I can take almost any topic, really, and trace it back to its roots in past generations. I can also take another family member’s personality quirks and attempt to do the same. It seems to be a deep wellspring in the pursuit of self-knowledge.

originally published on 2/27/08

reflections within

Bintle

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I’m sorry that it’s less natural for me to write about happy moments I have. You may get the idea that I am miserable non-stop. I actually am fairly shy about my happier feelings. I think I want to protect them from being obliterated by those who would hurt me or mock them. It’s safer to divulge the pain than the pleasure, so it seems. But I just had a happy phone conversation where I expressed feelings of affection and bondedness. I thought you should know.

originally published on 7/9/08

reflections within

Limb

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I’m now trying to monitor my food intake more diligently. I’ve even started going to a support group of sorts for this purpose. I’ve met some nice people in the process. It’s one of the 12-step groups. I’ve had some experience with other ones but took a hiatus for a while to explore other philosophical approaches to my instabilities, only to return when they became ineffectual. I have a nice array of addictive and compulsive options in my repertoire, so it helps not to be overly worried if I am having a good day (or week) with my dietary situation. I can always apply the steps to some other vice.
Actually a lot of the steps don’t pertain to the chosen addiction, but rather to one’s life story and the not-such-nice things one may have a propensity to do to oneself and others. These correlate to the steps which designate some kind of higher power, helping to remind us that we are not all-knowing or all-powerful. To keep us humble.

Humility is actually kind of a cool thing. But hard to sustain, as it turns out.

originally published on 1/21/09

reflections within

Almost

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Looking around tonight at my colleagues, I realized that I am different than them. Other people seem like they can let loose, do whatever they want, enjoy the feeling, the moment, and they won’t severely injure themselves. They won’t become fatigued to the point of incapacitation.
Others seem like they have a natural ceiling installed within themselves which protects them from over-exertion. I sure wish I had that. Perhaps that goes back to my earlier discoveries about having a lack of boundaries. It’s just very easy for me to overdo.

So tonight I tried to stop myself from overdoing. Unfortunately I ended up underdoing, which is also a problem in the end. Maybe that’s what other people are doing – staying within a certain range of action and thought and feeling. They’re lucky, ain’t they.

originally published on 8/12/07

reflections within

Apart

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What is loneliness? It’s a feeling of an invisible wall between you and others. It comes from within or without. I spend my time trying to elude this feeling. But it has an alluring side to it in the form of satiation. The filling in of the gap of loneliness is truly an amazing experience. But it’s a tricky little bugger, due to its depth. There are many layers of that cobblestone wall, and it acts as a guide directing you to this or that place in your heart. Then you must ask, is it always wise to follow its lead? I’m not sure. But if you ignore this particular feeling, the consequence could be worse than heeding it.

originally published on 4/20/07

reflections within

Porous

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I can see how I am different. I can see how I am not a conforming person. I view relationships in an unusual way. I view friendships like family. Maybe this is learned. I view love and friendship in the same basic category. All three, love, friendship and family, have an underlying quality which links them. Apparently this is something of a taboo idea. It is at least almost completely unspoken. People put up huge barriers between these three sentiments.

Another way of saying it is that there are different kinds of families. Families can spring up from various sources. The idea of family is transferable. I could say the same thing about love and friendship, but for me, family is the purest concept of the three, so I can use it best.

originally published on 6/13/07

reflections within

Portioned

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The last thing I want to do is write about truthful things. I will expend all my energy in attempts to avoid introspection. I will go through every emotion, shop in every store, practice every exercise, water every plant. I will eat every peanut, watch every show, drink every smoothie, shoot every basket.

I am pacing myself, you say. Maybe. I am learning through all these external activities and relationships, you claim. Could be. Then why does it feel in my heart of hearts that I am simply running? Simply averting my eyes? I certainly get annoyed at that heart of hearts. I think I want it to leave me alone. But is that true? Isn’t it my only salvation? I am a giant jerk to it. If I were see-through, translucent, what would be visible on the inside? Some red, burning shapes? A community of characters in chaos? The truth would become evident.

originally published on 4/18/08

reflections within

Eel Farmer

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I got one lottery number right. Obviously someone else did much better than that, since there was a winner. But for me one correct number is quite good. I’m sure they will enjoy their 26 million.
I am a bit at a loss on what to write these days. I’ve got plenty of stuff I can put in my private journal. Plenty of stuff that is very specific. I obviously prefer to incorporate more general musings here in this public forum. I guess I could put down all sorts of everyday little factoids, but, at least lately, I don’t see what use that would be to anyone.

That reminds me, I was thinking about what I deem of worth even in my own hour-by-hour life. Do I have something against pleasant, non-soul-searching conversation? Ought I have that bias? Or is lighthearted banter actually valuable? I wonder. I just told some people that I prefer listening and playing music seeped in pathos. But then I also think my sorrowful undertones give the more cheery stuff I play a certain beauty, if I can get out of myself somewhat and enjoy the sunnier qualities.

But I appear to be a dark soul on many levels. I think it would be good for me to explore and express some other colors in the spectrum of life.

originally published on 5/3/07

reflections within

Reeked and Wracked

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I am definitely prone to being all or nothing. One extreme or the other. This week I find myself trying my hardest to please, to be a good boy, a perfect fellow. I don’t even know I am making perfection my goal, but I am. It is a goal wracked with risks. One of the chief ones seems to be my own shame trip when I see a flaw in my efforts. Also, I end up drawn to others of like extremeness. Maybe that explains the prior blog’s reference to idle, pleasant repartee and its seeming uselessness. Who needs a conversation when it sticks to the sane, centered ground of everyday life? This propensity to primarily engage with extremists only exacerbates the imbalance within myself, and it makes a way out harder to locate from the mire.
I do appear to be somewhat obsessed with karma, again without my knowing it. It is probably a great way to widen those extremes I so love. I seek good karma (a habit apparently ingrained in me from God knows where). For instance, I imagine if I can play Mozart beautifully, I will go to Heaven (have good karma). Then I fear that if I disobey someone I respect or care about (or am intimidated by), I will have bad karma (go to Hell, I suppose). What’s in between these two options, I ask? I can’t say. Sadly, what is in between might be the stuff which makes up a life. Is that like hearing between the notes?

These extremes of ideology, emotion or obsession which I and others run to are facades, but they certainly seem convincing in the moment. I would like to be able to differentiate between fantasy and some semblance of reality. Then I will know when I am simply taking a temporary flight of the imagination (either alone or with someone else) from which I can exit at my leisure.

originally published on 5/19/07