All the permutations and complexities of relationships and feelings are simply what is real to me. I experience life on many layers. What appear to be conflicting emotions are the richness of life. If I deny that, then I am being false. It is only acting. There doesn’t seem to be much point in that. Eventually everyone’s goal is honesty, self-disclosure, isn’t it? Why delay the good stuff?
originally published on 6/13/07
I have had revelations before, technically, spiritually, musically, and otherwise. How long do their effects last usually? Should I take myself seriously when I am deeply convinced of a notion? What about other people, when they are sure of something? Are they more or less trustworthy than me? Apparently it depends.
If I can stay on this path of looseness, it could be an important turning point. That is what I am thinking as I sit there experiencing the effects of this approach. It’s a strange sort of morphing that is going on. At first it feels like it’s getting worse – my arm still hurts, and I don’t even have the illusory and fleeting pleasure of expressing how the music moves me. Then, little be little, I begin to sense something letting go in my sinews and muscular fibers. I am in disbelief. It’s actually taking effect.
So, how long ought I expect this positive change to continue? Is there going to be a swerve in the road at some point? Will I lose focus? Will this technique cease to be effective as time goes on? What about all the different genre I have to perform in?, orchestral, chamber, solo, and otherwise.
These are some of the thought processes I have when I’m sitting there practicing or rehearsing, or even performing at times.
originally published on 8/4/07
All or nothing. Why is that my predilection? Don’t answer that. I was limiting it to specific issues like music and food. But in truth it has no limits, kind of like its own self. No control. It’s an illusion of control, this all or nothing.
I used to envision love and sex as all or nothing deals. And I did my trick of withholding them (specifically sex) so as not to be drowned by them, just like I mentioned last evening. Actually it wasn’t specifically sex, was it. I totally hid my deeper feelings of love and affection from myself and others, too. Such heartwarming traits. Thank G-d I am becoming slightly aware of it after all these years.
originally published on 8/12/07
I am still working on the whole mind, body, heart thing. It’s frustrating. I seem to be so utterly conditioned to cut myself off from one or more of them. But even when I make a deliberate effort to be in touch with them, I am realizing it is not enough because they are divided among themselves. They don’t function properly that way.
I guess I spend the majority of my time either actively or passively cutting myself off from myself. It is just by habit. People who don’t do this seem like aliens to me.
I believe I wouldn’t be so confused so often if I had that knack for integration. It would not only reflect on the cello.
originally published on 8/20/07
There is a wealth of information brewing inside me on the subject of love. I was wishing I could put it all into words as I perused the journal section at Barnes & Noble. A blank page is a very alluring thing to me. I of course have little formal training in the written arts, apart from a good English teacher I had in high school.
It’s an odd sensation to know you could write volumes on a subject, but then feel stuck for putting down even one coherent sentence. What occurred to me at B&N is that I cannot keep these ideas and feelings inside me for the rest of my life and expect it to have been a fruitful one. They are profuse enough that it becomes a ridiculous notion not to make some kind of use of the sum of their parts.
originally published on 10/1/07
There’s an issue of scope. It runs from the very small to the very large. Am I supposed to focus on the moment as it is happening or see the grand scheme leading up to and coming away from the now? And where should I start and end from? I am finding my physical challenges particularly apparent right now. In what context can I place fatigue? In the moment I strive to avoid it. But as my schedule compounds and it becomes unavoidable, I see it can be an ally in enriching the music-making. It is like an athlete who reaches his peak after a good amount of time placing his body under stress. There is an arc created, but it is difficult to account for it in the present moment.
originally published on 11/29/07
I am stubborn. But I can only see it clearly when some part of it falls away. Like my insistence that the way I like to play the cello is the only and best way, for me at least. Something happened recently, though I’m not sure what, that has changed that locked-in point of view. There are a number of possible external events which could have combined to cause it, or perhaps it’s an internal emotional or biochemical thing.
Whatever it is, I now have been granted the freedom to make headway in various areas of my playing which have been weak. What is so nice is to see the difference between stubbornness and strength of character. In my case, being stubborn prevented me from seeing options which were rather close at hand, if only I had not boxed myself into what may have been a necessary cubicle. A safety net, perhaps.
Strength of character is something very different. Maybe it’s kind of the opposite. Being able to perceive and appreciate a myriad of viewpoints. And being unstuck.
originally published on 12/27/07
If I’m not mistaken, I am afraid of perfection, or at least the attempt at it. I know some people who are afraid of emotional expression. I seem to have an irrational fear of accurate expression. It feels like my introverted version of rebellion, actually. Someone recently asked me how I rebelled as an adolescent, and I said I didn’t really. But I suppose if there’s one primary way I undermined the status quo of my life, it was laziness. I have since discovered that discipline is a choice, not just a personality trait.
One aspect of discipline is self-observation. That is how I noticed that I quite specifically move and think in ways that throw off my accuracy. So then I asked myself, are these behaviors serving any positive function? And if not, what exactly are they doing there? That’s how I arrived at the sensation of phobia. A wall. A hot spot in my psyche.
Even the non sequitur titles of these blogs could be my way of throwing or including a wrench in the consistency of the format.
originally published on 1/10/08
Nothing quite like ringing the doorbell at their homes. I remember it vividly. It got to be my honor when I was big enough. Then their embrace. Ahh. Simple joys. As simple as being alive. That’s what family means to me – some of the deepest joys I have ever known. I remember hearing about unconditional love later on. It seemed utterly redundant. I never knew another kind.
As far as I knew, all the other stuff were the inconsequential details. The soup, the candy, the music, the cards, the bed, the couch and table. They were all awash in the warmth of love around and inside me. Each relative was a new chance to experience these feelings, in their own unique flavor. I was spoiled, insofar as I was granted such affectionate abundance.
originally published on 2/20/08
What made me so vulnerable in college? What makes me vulnerable now, to this day? What makes me weak, powerless to think my own thoughts and take my own steps? Isn’t there a reason why I am always second-guessing myself?
I am now coming to know the reasons. But should I tell you, o reader? Can I actually be forthcoming, if only here in this odd un-place? I would like someone to know. This seems safe on the surface.
Is it possible I have been beaten down into submission all along the way? But, of course, always with a smile, or a candy, or a dollar bill. Not in the more obviously harmful ways I was later exposed to and was by then defenseless against. Isn’t it time I told the story of how I came to be such that I am? How I ended up impotent. And speechless. And rich with melancholy.
originally published on 3/18/08