Tag Archives: regressing

everyday observations

Regressing in earnest / One Hundred Years Of Solitude

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What if tomorrow morning, I set back the clock. Back to when I was best friends with Alex – and others – and I got up in the mornings and practiced for my 3 hours, from 7 to 10. High school. I could do it. I could decide to do it. I could regress. Revert. What did I do at night? I talked to Deborah. I talked to Stephen. I talked to Mom and Dad. I went to sleep. I dreamed. Peacefully. Life wasn’t too bad. Was it. I was waiting for my first love. Waiting. I knew partial versions of love. Semi-loves. But I was an emotional and physical virgin. I was waiting. I was pure. Can I remember? I was not so hopeless and weighty. I had more lightness than weight. I had plans. But I didn’t know my plans would intersect with great sorrow. I had plans. Initial plans. But I’m getting ahead of myself. I was only thinking to regress. Not to regress then progress. Just regress. Try to do a do-over. A do-over. A do-over. A do-over. Will I catch my mistakes the second time around? Was my mistake that I fell in love with the wrong girl? Could I control that? Am I supposed to understand that there’s a dance between destiny and personal choice?

Maybe I’ve spent a lot of my life trying to remedy errors I’ve made. Is life going to turn out to be like One Hundred Years Of Solitude? Coming face to face with yourself, a different version of yourself possibly, your own re-creation. My effort to regress could send me on this kind of path.

cello practice, everyday observations

Regressive tendencies of musicians / appreciating my circle

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I was thinking that musicians are more in touch with their childhood selves than other people. But now I’m not so sure. Perhaps music itself helps elicit that regressive dreaminess, but most anyone can enjoy that, not only performing musicians.

In fact, it can be tough to correlate a musical career, with its politics and clock-punching mindset, with that innate, beautiful experience of music. It could just be orchestral musicians that face that sort of challenge. But I imagine each line of musical work has its own frustrating quirks.

I guess one’s career in general will help dictate whether you can still view life with a rainbow’s perspective. Full of possibilities. A lot of things play into it I’m sure. Family, culture, chemistry, geographical location, world politics, local politics, era. I feel fortunate, if I’m paying close enough attention, to associate with those who can touch their inner beauty and innocence on a regular basis. Not all the time. But who is happy and optimistic all the time? Not me, for sure.

reflections within

Regressing / bad influences

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It’s certainly a challenge to regress, especially if I’m not surrounded by other regressors. My goal is to regress. I realized that if Cody’s job is to mature and grow, my job is to regress, to stop thinking of myself as someone who is aging.

I guess I equate that to worrying, to catastrophizing, to nitpicking. It’s also an emotional thing. I can feel myself aging. I can feel myself withering, worrying myself to(wards) death. I can feel the difference between conversations and activities that encourage that inching towards my demise, and those that encourage youthfulness and a recapturing of what I once had at all times.

But it’s hard when you are close to others who wouldn’t understand this sort of thinking or dreaming. Those who revel in the banal. In the most adult thought patterns. Those who are dark. Adulthood is a dark, hellish place, if you don’t know how to find escape hatches from it. But I won’t give up. I can be strong. Maybe I can even find better examples to be close to. To surround myself with. I need to look back. Backwards. I need to keep regressing. It is my best and only hope.