Left to my own devices… Why must that be such an imbalanced state? Can’t I just be left alone once in a while? Must I always feel I am teetering on the precipice of making all the worst choices for myself if I have no one to lean up against and be guided by? I am noticing just how emotional it all is, not sufficiently logical or intellectual. I am not really an idiot. I know reasonably well how to be a functioning member of society and how not to be an assortment of self-destructive behaviors. I am just way too infantile in my reactiveness.
Oh, no! I have once again been abandoned! I will wither away and die! Where is my mother’s breast to suckle on? What will provide some modicum of comfort in this total void in which I find myself? Isn’t there one person who loves me in all of this world?

It is great when you find rapport and solidarity with those whom you spend time with. It is crucial to have that give and take, that pushing and pulling of personalities and passions. I think I might also need to acquire that in my solitary life. In other words, there is no such thing as unadulterated solitude. There always need be a flow, an awareness and participation in the yin and yang, the attraction and repulsion, the artist and the scientist, the cleanliness and the disarray, the mob and the hermit, between yourself and the surrounding community. Maybe my own devices are not as much my own as I originally thought.

Perhaps the difference between an infant and myself is the capacity for creative spark. I do not need to rely on someone else to make known my innate contributions to the universe. I do not need to wait until someone translates my feelings in order to compare and contrast them with those around me, eventually collaborating with my brothers and sisters of humanity. I am my own flower, capable of however much blooming I opt for at the moment.

originally published on 8/20/09