I’m not sure how long I’ve been catastrophizing. I thought it was a more recent phenomenon, but perhaps not. I think I often let my friends and family do the brunt of the catastrophizing for me, so I figure I am free of it myself. There’s also the opposing trait – idealizing. I seem to have dreams full of that. Not to mention the trips my mind goes on in my waking hours.
But why is it so different in my head, so one-sided, and then when I write or talk about it, everything changes? When I am thinking, it stems from some sort of raw emotion or physical sensation. When I am writing or speaking, it is once removed, at least, from the raw emotion. So you can reimagine the emotions, reconfigure them to help serve a greater, vaster truth than that stuck in your body and psyche. But what happens when I feel I have run out of material? Is there something else which is equally rewarding that I could do to reconfigure the wiring which causes the angst? Yes, I believe so. But there are a lot of deceptively pleasing or fruitful activities which don’t provide the assistance or expressive qualities they have been deemed to. Or, if they do, I overuse and abuse them to the point that they cause more harm than good. It’s that “ize”-ing thing that I am so drawn to. I exaggerate.

originally published on 12/24/09