I hate feeling stifled. I am envisioning times in the past with no sense of that. Am I exaggerating reality? Falsifying memory? Living in the past that never really was? Why do I do that? It is so very confusing to not be in the present, and to misconstrue the past, longing for something that never was. That means you are left with nothing. No real, true memories and no present, and a deep fear of the future.
And what is the cause of all this? Bad things that happened, which I am spending great energy denying, and which laid the groundwork for not living in the present moment. Not only not living in the present, but being deathly afraid of the present. Much more than most people, it seems. I am truly trapped in the nether-region between the non-existent past (which could be anything, really, since it is no more than dust now) and the intimidating present. Where is that? Nowhere, really.

The past, present and future are all closed off to me, psychically. They seem to be laden with ghosts. Perhaps that was why a lobotomy seemed appealing for a time. Simple surgical removal of them. Seems so easy. But then you realize that the ghosts have great value, if only you could befriend them somehow. They are really the keys that unlock various doors.

originally published on 11/11/09