So let’s say I do have an eating disorder. Let’s say I’m on the slide. Somewhere. Let’s say I’m not a big fan of puking. But I’m a big fan of bingeing. So to speak.

Let’s say I’m generally compulsive. But let’s say I’m not OCD. But I could be on the slide. Can you be a slob and be connected to OCD? Am I an OCD cellist? I generally thought of myself otherwise. Like a mellow cello guy. But should I perhaps look a little more closely?

And is my writing an example? I feel off the cuff. (More later)

Okay, I’m back. And with a vengeance. I’ve been ruminating on the subject throughout the day. Why I do this. Did I learn it? Perhaps. Is the problem that compulsive behaviors bleed into each other? I guess I can compulsively undereat as well as compulsively binge eat.

But the compulsiveness is the final step in an already ongoing process, I think. That’s what is visible and noticeable. What about the lead up to the compulsion? I’m supposed to be anticipating the compulsion. I’m supposed to be nipping it in the bud. But how far back can I go on a moment’s notice? When I feel myself succumbing to a compulsion, I don’t have much time to retrace my steps back months and years. What about hours? What about days? The question is how self aware can I be.

I’m also trying to retrace my steps on the cello. It’s a process of unlearning. Every kid is trained to learn. But what about unlearning? Are we supposed to bypass the unlearning curve by never learning the wrong things in the first place? In my case, I can’t relate to that suggestion. Except as part of the unlearning curve that I’m already participating in. As I unlearn things, I try to be somewhat careful not to replace or retrace with other misinformation.