I want to be able to find purity. Is it still existent? If you want to find it, does that mean it’s lost? What should I do to regain it? I’ve tried a lot of things. I write. I read. I go to therapy. I pray. I try to take the high road. I try to be an adult. I try to be a child. I am myself. That’s my destiny.

I just perused the NEDA website. National Eating Disorders Association. It just dawned on me that this is why I am so phobic of cooking. It is connected. I read about someone who was petrified of eating at restaurants. I am the opposite it seems. I am extremely reticent and resistant to preparing food for myself.

I wonder if this is also connected to my difficulty sleeping in silence. My self talk. Someone else was writing about their self talk. Negative, it seemed. They said their self talk was worse than their eating disorder. I can’t bring myself to sleep in silence because then I can’t escape from my self talk.

Let’s say I have other compulsive behaviors that have a deleterious effect on my life, besides eating. Isn’t it possible that by starting with eating, I can begin a healthy process that spirals into the other issues, sucking them down along with the eating disorder? I tend to worry myself into paralysis about what if scenarios. It’s not too fun. I guess the point is that the eating is potentially the compulsion that will send me to the hospital or the grave faster than any of the other neuroses. So it’s not wrong to address it more immediately than the others.