So if I have this eating disorder where I binge, isn’t it an interesting question to know what sets me off? My triggers, as they’re somewhat annoyingly called. I thought I had figured out a big one – exercise. I thought I had found a perfect correlation between the two. No good deed goes unpunished, so to speak. But doesn’t that also expand out to any spat of healthfulness? Like do I reach a point if I’m attempting to eat healthily and/or lightly, where I suddenly decide I now deserve to pour hot coffee all over my clean newspaper. It’s really quite dangerous. That’s what makes it a perfect fit for the term eating disorder. It’s utterly toxic.

Essentially you’re damned if you do and damned if you don’t. And that is certainly an interesting part of what seems to be NEDA’s philosophy. Become an expert on your disease, but don’t think there’s a magic bullet other than what may or may not be illuminated over the course of the journey.

You’re damned if you eat poorly, which seems obvious from the outside, but it’s far from it from here. And you’re damned if you eat well or exercise, because you’re inevitably setting yourself up for the next round of crapping all over yourself. It feels right to eat poorly because 95% or so of you is pleading with you to do it. How can you coldly ignore that voice forever?

I used to think it was about hunger. Like the feeling of hunger. But I don’t mind hunger, really. It’s anything healthy. Health. Organic health. It is unsustainable. Insupportable. Hunger is an aspect of good health. But it isn’t the whole picture.