If I pay attention, I see I am feeling hidden anger. Why must I wait until things get life-sized and difficult to manage?
But it’s hard to pinpoint its source. Is it mostly long-forgotten and long-dismissed incidents from long ago? It seems like it. So if I’ve disregarded the importance of those old feelings, chances are I never went through any grieving-type process. I never actually let myself get angry, or sad, or forgave anyone, or had any other naturally occurring offshoots from painful experiences.

My tendency to hold in my anger, even to my own eyes, could be a result of my fear that if I start letting it out, it will overwhelm me and everyone in the vicinity. I also may perceive it as unclassy. Or maybe it will be underwhelming, and seem wimpy. It’ll look like sour grapes, or like I’m a crybaby. Not like a real man.

originally published on 11/23/09