I have written many journal entries recently, on paper. I didn’t feel anybody needed to see them. It’s not like some instances when I feel the issues are too personal. It’s more a question of sharing. There’s a side of me that just really sucks at opening up. Maybe some would wonder if there is another side at all. It is possible for me to be extraordinarily open. When I feel that way, I still have a glimmer of the closed, private side in my field of perception. Likewise when I’m feeling pent up – I know there’s the other half waiting for its chance to shine through. But these appear to be equally true, valid halves of the whole. I can’t just eschew one of them on a whim. Man, I wish I could sometimes. I want them to be friends, partners, gracefully navigating through daily events and interactions, but particularly internal swings. External events are much less reliable and critical than the odd, uncharted biological hills and valleys which sear through us hour to hour. It’s quite a trick knowing when our mind, heart or body will summon up sensations which we then need to live out in some way. I am sure these are not accidental nor incidental; they have little to do with what goes on around us.

originally published on 9/13/09