No, no, no. I feel the need to rebel. It is not such an easy act for me, as it seems for others. To put my foot down. Either in a defiant posture or in true passion for something. I tend to hold it in, letting it out in fits and starts when the opportunity arises. I need to make more opportunities for myself. Then it might not be such an exercise in keeping the horses gated in when it comes to my heart and imagination. Let the air out of the balloon, slowly but surely.
It’s interesting to find the myriad ways of doing this. It has been one of the most personal quests I have ever undertaken. This is something few talk about, at least in my circles. People are a tad surprised about this blog, for instance. They didn’t know I had it in me, or had an urge to express it like so. It is rather a natural act for me to write this. It’s my exhibitionistic journal, you know. I would not have been able to foresee the usefulness and serenity this brings me at times. And that is true for many things I have dabbled in. I have to leave myself open to trying things which may seem to contrast with other aspects of my life. The greater risk seems to be too much closed-off-ed-ness, so it’s safe for me to keep my options open.

There’s also a temporal side to the experimentation. Knowing how long and how often to stay in a situation or a feeling is equally important to the acts themselves. Time can be your friend or your enemy.

originally published on 8/22/09