Is everything connected? Is my personality the dictator of other things in my life?
I am waiting for the natural progression to adulthood to continue. I don’t want to believe that I missed the boat, that the ship has sailed. What would it take to complete that step? Is it possible in an instant? Or many instants strung together? Is this journaling a first step? It always seems to help to journal like this. It helps sort out my jumble of ideas, to give me some direction to go in. Instead of wallowing.

I am still stuck mimicking others. I have not been able to determine my own destiny, make my own decisions. That’s why I say I’m not a man, but a mouse, a child, a girl. I live a vicarious life. But it’s almost funny that I think things can or will change without me changing first. It’s funny that I think things are so compartmentalized that way. It’s silly. Everything’s interconnected.

originally published on 7/17/08