I think the things I enjoy the most (without simultaneously making me feel like crap about myself) are things I do out of choice. As the catch word of the day puts it: interactively. What I was wondering was to what degree one can choose one’s actions? Is 100% even within the realm of possibility? If you get a good 40% or so going, that’s fairly good odds already, right?
When I say 100%, I mean that you are getting no assistance whatsoever from outside yourself, and you may even be getting resistance. But you nevertheless make your chosen move. It seems there is always some level of give and take coming from your environment, directing you and convincing you and nudging you towards different decisions. They come from both the past and the present, the here and the elsewhere, the corporeal and the spiritual.

Much of my difficulty in life stems from the low percentages I am getting. I have a very hard time sticking up for myself. There are special situations where I have higher percentages, but I can’t seem to instill that gutsiness in other arenas.

Thinking in terms of gradation like this is a comfort for me. Normally I get stuck in an all or nothing perception. This will help me feel I can work little by little.

originally published on 6/28/08