How many different levels do I have to operate on? Is it possible to address different facets of cello and life without each one conflicting against the other? Can’t I focus on emotionality without technique butting in? Or concentrate on relaxing without sound quality making forays? Or legato continuity without first finger joint pain? Do I need to make a list of everything in hierarchical order? What about my daily routine and activities? Same deal? I wish I didn’t have to micromanage myself. Haven’t I done that before, with little staying power?
Am I perhaps existing in a pendulumic world? Are there varying sizes of pendulums which must be kept track of? How is it I don’t find others who are on the same nuisance-ridden journey as me? Where are all the other pendulum swingers? I’ve been asking around lately, and I do get some minimal acknowledgment of the issue, but it appears not to interfere with others’ lives like mine.

originally published on 5/3/08