Here is some of my journaling from today: I got worked up in rehearsal. I always get worked up at rehearsals. I start out okay, if I’m lucky. Then I start losing myself. My true self. Then my fighting, venting, passive-aggressive self begins to take over. Then it’s over. It’s just a question of how rapid the descent.
I guess it’s hard for me to think about the future when I am secretly (even to myself) ruminating over past events. I would obviously like to be able to plan future events. It would be more fun to have an idea of how my life might blossom and grow, or even just scheduling a nice vacation trip. I guess I feel lucky to make it one day at a time due to the burden weighing on me from unresolved relation(ships).

I’m back. Actually the rehearsal was a positive experience for me. I started out in quite a different place than my usual work/musician mindset. And there’s really only one possible explanation. Self discovery. I know for a fact that my self-awareness and wisdom directly affect music-making. It ain’t no theory.

originally published on 3/19/08