All posts by adam@adamsatinsky.com

hypotheses and philosophies

Bar None

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I am only as able to relish life’s offerings as my level of openness permits. I cannot pick and choose what I will open myself up to or what I will bar from my life. Everything is dependent on an overarching quantity and quality of trust. I don’t like this aspect of life? Then I don’t get to enjoy this other thing that I yearn for, because they are at equal levels of intensity. Tough luck. So much for Utopia. If you think you’re going to find your Utopia, achieve your nirvana, think again. Because any amount of intense joy and pleasure invariably opens the gates to an equivalent amount of annoyance, displeasure and sorrow. Sorry buddy. You have to take the good with the bad, as the saying goes.

The icky things I’ve chosen to bar from my immediate existence should be bothersome enough to be worth what I’m giving up on the sunnier side of the spectrum. That’s a tough call, but at least I should try to be more conscious of my capacity to make that decision.

originally published on 7/12/08

hypotheses and philosophies

Gargantuan

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I am a victim. I behave like a victim. One aspect of that is turning the victimization in on oneself. Those feelings have to go somewhere. You try not to let them loose on others, so who’s left but your little self?

Maybe that is one odd thing we are never taught – how to release all those pent up feelings of hurt and frustration. It doesn’t fit very neatly into society. You almost have to reinvent society to fit your needs. It’s kind of like starting from scratch. You wake up and you say, “I am not going to continue following this path that is so ill-suited to my own happiness. But since this is the path laid out before me, I’m going to have to step off into the abyss and take this one moment as if I am a newborn baby. I shall be absolutely clueless as to how things are arranged in this world and how I’m expected to act. And just do this moment by moment until I find I am forging a brand new path.” That is the precise opposite of a victim – one who determines his own destiny. It is also the opposite of a victimizer/abuser. Neither sides of that particular coin are making choices of their own. Their lives are waking nightmares, recirculating past events with no expectation of awakening to the beauties of the now.

originally published on 10/10/08

cello practice, hypotheses and philosophies

Curly Q

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I have naturally been trying to sort out all the info I gathered on my recent trip to Bloomington. That’s the thing about Mr. Starker — he condenses huge, complex ideas into succinct statements and demos, so you can be working through a few hours of lessons over the course of months or years. I suppose I had forgotten just how mind-altering his wisdom is. The only down side is his professorial shadow lingering over my shoulder when I teach at times. Maybe that’s not so bad.

One particular thing vexing me is the issue of the hooked first finger on the bow hand. What I have noticed is that when I let it relax and uncurl, eventually the other fingers compensate for the absence of its grip, thereby organically rebalancing the hand. I am also hoping it’s not my imagination that my left hand fingers are responding in kind to this lack of hooking and curling. The question basically is, what is the minimum amount of this shape I can get away with without sacrificing the sound or control? Writing these words is tapping my sensory imagination, as if I can connect the release in my fingers to a release in other muscle groups.

originally published on 11/9/08

hypotheses and philosophies

Beautician

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People like to say that only very stupid or very wise people are happy. I was thinking that there may be some crossover there which could explain that connection. Krishnamurti talks about the futility and destructiveness of thinking. I would certainly place him in the very wise category; he also appeared a happy person.

What about the difference between rationalizing and brainwashing? We all admit we rationalize at times, but is there that big a leap to consider us brainwashed? I think I get brainwashed many times a day. It’s very frustrating if I end up believing for a time that I have discovered something that is real; the bubble is burst when I discover how easily I can be otherwise convinced. I seem to be swayed by pretty, shiny things.

I am thinking that you may be able to develop the ability to choose the things that will brainwash you. If you are not under the misapprehension that most things represent some kind of reality, you could develop more wherewithal and say in what you allow to penetrate your mind and heart.< And God? Is he/she/it more-so a path to a docile, sheep-like mentality, or transformative spiritual interconnectedness? Or as previously noted, are those two states oddly interwoven? originally published on 1/6/09

hypotheses and philosophies

Young, or not

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Self-sufficiency. What an odd concept. It seems so desirable. But its only use may be to allow one to bring something to the table of interdependency. Because once you have that ever-sought-after autonomy, what then? I suppose one thing you could do is continue exploring the vast nothingness of the soul and universe in perfect focus and isolation. I do fantasize about doing just that. But why am I so hard-put to actually pursue that path? One problem is that the fantasy of such supreme meditation never matches the reality. It could be that I am overshooting, imagining the final stages of a higher conscious state, when one only achieves that via hours and years of much duller and effortful sessions, lonely sitting on the floor. So, not surprisingly, I have not steadfastly endured such. I end up kind of weaving in between the fleeting pleasures of bonding with others and the similarly momentary high of a few minutes in solitude.

originally published on 3/9/09

hypotheses and philosophies

Barter

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You may be asking what it means to grow up. The usual cliche meaning is to take on more responsibilities. But that’s just a part of it I think, because many kids have fairly hefty responsibilities. The distinguishing characteristic may be how one perceives these burdens and tasks. If you understand the purpose of the tasks, then you can make informed decisions as to when to undertake them. You can mold your responsibilities into an organized lifestyle, a life unique to your personal traits and passions.< Another adult quality is appreciation. Adults learn to prefer the complexities and burdens of life to the simplicity of childhood via gratitude. In fact, it's even better because if we're lucky, we can still enjoy the simple things during the interim between our tasks. originally published on 3/14/09

cello practice, hypotheses and philosophies

Mmm

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I took a few days off (George Benson doesn’t really count) and when I came back to playing, I was somewhat lost. This can be a good, refreshing feeling of newness. And it was in some respects. But I felt lost in terms of my left hand research of late. There was one thing that had stuck from the most recent investigations, though. I was noticing another option in how to make contact with the string. You could simply lay your fingers down on the string using weight or strength or something physical like that; or you can become sensitive to the electrical impulses traveling from the hand to the cello. Humans are actually alive due to some version of electricity, I’ve heard. Without it, we die. Like our heartbeat.

So instead of pressing on the string, I am buzzing through it. Zapping. Vrooming. Humming. It’s fun. And easier.

originally published on 3/23/09