All posts by adam@adamsatinsky.com

reflections within

19

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All the paths I have taken, all the roads down which I have detoured, few having completed, and yet it seems I have a path which is mine and mine alone. These other detours and disciple-ages have permitted me to continue on what ends up being the only way I was ever meant to go. It would seem I have an internal, natural drive, somewhat akin to inertia, which leads me from point to point in the epic of my life. I believe I and others are in control, but what they seem to be doing really is helping me not to fall off the tracks. It kind of reminds me of being a character, a protagonist, in a novel, rather than a person in real life. I sometimes feel a kinship with book characters, but I always put the book down and end up feeling more indecisive and meandering than anyone fictional. I have always assumed that is the deal with real life. You don’t get the luxury of a script. You have to make it up as you go along. But maybe we are actually characters, just by virtue of having character. It defines us and determines our fates. It gives us inertial tendencies, like a magnet.

originally published on 12/25/09

reflections within

18

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I’m not sure how long I’ve been catastrophizing. I thought it was a more recent phenomenon, but perhaps not. I think I often let my friends and family do the brunt of the catastrophizing for me, so I figure I am free of it myself. There’s also the opposing trait – idealizing. I seem to have dreams full of that. Not to mention the trips my mind goes on in my waking hours.
But why is it so different in my head, so one-sided, and then when I write or talk about it, everything changes? When I am thinking, it stems from some sort of raw emotion or physical sensation. When I am writing or speaking, it is once removed, at least, from the raw emotion. So you can reimagine the emotions, reconfigure them to help serve a greater, vaster truth than that stuck in your body and psyche. But what happens when I feel I have run out of material? Is there something else which is equally rewarding that I could do to reconfigure the wiring which causes the angst? Yes, I believe so. But there are a lot of deceptively pleasing or fruitful activities which don’t provide the assistance or expressive qualities they have been deemed to. Or, if they do, I overuse and abuse them to the point that they cause more harm than good. It’s that “ize”-ing thing that I am so drawn to. I exaggerate.

originally published on 12/24/09

cello practice, reflections within

17

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I was listening to JS yesterday playing a Bach suite. It is so easy to listen to, so direct. It seems to me that his bow is always coming from the most convenient place prior to beginning a note. Whether above the string or beside it, the act of traversing from there to the contact point is simple and non-stop. Then I was listening to JdP today, and I heard an utterly contrary style of making notes. She coaxes them out of the instrument. The act of starting notes for her is laced in mystery and mist. And don’t get me started on what she does with them once they get spinning. Hers is a heart-wrenching and sumptuous listening experience, plumbing the depths of the world’s soul.

originally published on 12/21/09

reflections within

1

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Left to my own devices… Why must that be such an imbalanced state? Can’t I just be left alone once in a while? Must I always feel I am teetering on the precipice of making all the worst choices for myself if I have no one to lean up against and be guided by? I am noticing just how emotional it all is, not sufficiently logical or intellectual. I am not really an idiot. I know reasonably well how to be a functioning member of society and how not to be an assortment of self-destructive behaviors. I am just way too infantile in my reactiveness.
Oh, no! I have once again been abandoned! I will wither away and die! Where is my mother’s breast to suckle on? What will provide some modicum of comfort in this total void in which I find myself? Isn’t there one person who loves me in all of this world?

It is great when you find rapport and solidarity with those whom you spend time with. It is crucial to have that give and take, that pushing and pulling of personalities and passions. I think I might also need to acquire that in my solitary life. In other words, there is no such thing as unadulterated solitude. There always need be a flow, an awareness and participation in the yin and yang, the attraction and repulsion, the artist and the scientist, the cleanliness and the disarray, the mob and the hermit, between yourself and the surrounding community. Maybe my own devices are not as much my own as I originally thought.

Perhaps the difference between an infant and myself is the capacity for creative spark. I do not need to rely on someone else to make known my innate contributions to the universe. I do not need to wait until someone translates my feelings in order to compare and contrast them with those around me, eventually collaborating with my brothers and sisters of humanity. I am my own flower, capable of however much blooming I opt for at the moment.

originally published on 8/20/09

reflections within

2

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No, no, no. I feel the need to rebel. It is not such an easy act for me, as it seems for others. To put my foot down. Either in a defiant posture or in true passion for something. I tend to hold it in, letting it out in fits and starts when the opportunity arises. I need to make more opportunities for myself. Then it might not be such an exercise in keeping the horses gated in when it comes to my heart and imagination. Let the air out of the balloon, slowly but surely.
It’s interesting to find the myriad ways of doing this. It has been one of the most personal quests I have ever undertaken. This is something few talk about, at least in my circles. People are a tad surprised about this blog, for instance. They didn’t know I had it in me, or had an urge to express it like so. It is rather a natural act for me to write this. It’s my exhibitionistic journal, you know. I would not have been able to foresee the usefulness and serenity this brings me at times. And that is true for many things I have dabbled in. I have to leave myself open to trying things which may seem to contrast with other aspects of my life. The greater risk seems to be too much closed-off-ed-ness, so it’s safe for me to keep my options open.

There’s also a temporal side to the experimentation. Knowing how long and how often to stay in a situation or a feeling is equally important to the acts themselves. Time can be your friend or your enemy.

originally published on 8/22/09

hypotheses and philosophies

3

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It goes way back. All the way to the beginning. But that’s not what I’d like to think. I keep thinking there are new signposts all along the way. But what about Buddhism? That blames life itself for your woes. Once you’re born you’re in for it. Maybe that’s like original sin.

The important thing is to get a little perspective on the matter. To get an overview. There are deeper things than what Hollywood would like you to think make or break a life. Not that it’s really Hollywood’s fault. It’s a natural mistake. You look to the people closest to you and closest to the present moment for some sense of reality. Why would something that happened more than 30 years ago be more relevant? We forget that we were once something other than an assortment of quirks. We were all possibilities. Life oddly brainwashes you. But the real you is not brainwashed. The real you is free and easy. Malleable. Observant. Non-reactive. We just forgot.

originally published on 9/4/09

hypotheses and philosophies

4

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I just noticed that I was about to repeat myself here. Imagine that. I suppose I might be able to work out some of my patterned behavior if I dissect this blog a bit. If I were to figure out what my patterns were, would that be of some help for me, or am I really unchangeable deep down? Do you try to accept who you are and make your life fit around you, or do you try to accomplish certain things in life and work to fitting your personal tendencies better? Is pain or pleasure better at urging you to change? I think pleasure and comfort actually tend to pull me back to earlier patterns, whereas discomfort and sorrow require some new action be taken.

What I was wondering is, are there long-range patterns which I could decipher? I think today is a new day, but is it? Maybe today is the 4th day of a bi-weekly pattern which I just haven’t figured out yet. Perhaps knowing that would give me the opportunity to observe this ebb and flow of my moods and habits. If I can observe, then I can see which things are serving me well and which are ridiculously useless. Maybe I can plan out a new map for how I will manage the natural shapes of my cycles.

originally published on 9/13/09

reflections within

5

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I have written many journal entries recently, on paper. I didn’t feel anybody needed to see them. It’s not like some instances when I feel the issues are too personal. It’s more a question of sharing. There’s a side of me that just really sucks at opening up. Maybe some would wonder if there is another side at all. It is possible for me to be extraordinarily open. When I feel that way, I still have a glimmer of the closed, private side in my field of perception. Likewise when I’m feeling pent up – I know there’s the other half waiting for its chance to shine through. But these appear to be equally true, valid halves of the whole. I can’t just eschew one of them on a whim. Man, I wish I could sometimes. I want them to be friends, partners, gracefully navigating through daily events and interactions, but particularly internal swings. External events are much less reliable and critical than the odd, uncharted biological hills and valleys which sear through us hour to hour. It’s quite a trick knowing when our mind, heart or body will summon up sensations which we then need to live out in some way. I am sure these are not accidental nor incidental; they have little to do with what goes on around us.

originally published on 9/13/09

reflections within

6

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I have happily noted that I am insane. I thought they were just whistling dixie when they were saying that doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results is the definition of insanity. I probably felt that I had no way of affecting any change over my expectations, anyway. Or my actions for that matter.
It may be apparent that I tend to shy away from too great an abundance of positivity. So therefore it pains me to say that I made some sort of breakthrough. That I have been feeling a much lower percentage of sadness in the past week or so. My friend suggested I blog, and I do feel my soul is ripe for expression, but it is still difficult to sincerely spit out the words, “I feel better.”

The thing is, I would love to be able to get used to it. Imagine such a luxurious time frame of contentment as to permit trust in it. And if you are as uncomfortable with the concept of contentment as I am, don’t forget that it is my version of the feeling. There will forever be room for valleys and gullies and meanderings along the way. I could not change my essence, right? It appears to be the more superfluous angst which I have been able to assuage of late.

originally published on 10/17/09

reflections within

7

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I can be just as alone with other people as I am by myself.
But I’m not alone, even when I physically am. I am really rather cluttered with company – all my ghosts. Like Scrooge. He had his 3 ghosts. And like him, my ghosts would be willing to teach me some things, if I could redirect their repeating tapes. There are ghosts whom I am drawn to (much more than is realistic or appropriate or advisable) and there are ghosts I detest (again, more than recommended).

But all these ghosts keep me in a loop – their loop – and my life progresses at a snail’s pace, if I’m lucky. I am stuck in a small room with lots of bodies – disembodied ones.

But I don’t know the way out, is the problem. I am good enough at ignoring and blocking out all the ghosts while in the same room. That is not a great accomplishment. Or is it? Are they that scary and problematic that I should consider myself lucky to eschew them temporarily?

originally published on 12/21/09