Speaking of inward inquiry, I wrote this not long ago…
So, where does my shame stem from? Do I deserve to be ashamed? Did I harm someone else, or was something done to me? These are questions just as much for the heart as for historical accuracy. What does my heart tell me? Can my heart differentiate between one and the other? Abuser or abusee? If so, which one is worse? Are you supposed to shed your shame if you are an abuser? Or do you need it? To keep you in check. Is that more guilt than shame?

The trouble seems to be that something is eating away at me on the inside. Which is good. It is my checks and balances system. I only know something is eating away because part of me wants to be behaving in healthier, freer ways, and is being foiled. So my body/soul is telling me I am in conflict; it’s giving me signals. Sadness, compulsion, addiction, loneliness, isolation. These are signals. Flares. Although quiet ones. But they feel loud and overwhelming in their numbification.

I cannot simply enjoy life – like the beauty of this day. Like the beauty of being alive. That is how I know there is inner conflict conspiring against what is natural, natural pleasures of life. I am overwhelmed with distrust.

originally published on 6/17/08