Category Archives: everyday observations

everyday observations

wherewithal

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Mmm, it smells really good in here, like garlic ‘n friends. It’s warm for the cockles around here, with sleeping people and subdued lighting. I will be off to sleep soon, wide open to the truer workings of my soul.
I like reading my own previous blog entries once in a while. I’m glad I say what’s on my mind. It’s perfectly possible that I am the one most likely to benefit from my own thoughts. And I do, apparently. I haven’t been told by anyone I don’t think (possibly one person?), that my writings are benefiting them in any way. That’s okay. Perhaps that’s none of my business. Perhaps the people whom I benefit are precisely the ones who prefer to be private about their feelings. I can definitely respect that.

originally published on 4/17/07

everyday observations

Poor

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I’ve been discussing with my friend the merits of different laptops. It’s a strangely entertaining topic. I guess I like tech-y stuff like cell phones and radios and dvd/cd burning equipment, blah, blah, blah. I don’t feel I’m very adept at it, though, but the rudimentary things are handy enough to grasp.
I have a small rash on my thumb. I don’t know if it’s a bite or what. It’s annoying.

I’m tired, in case you can’t tell. I should go to my mushy bed soon. There’s no particular reason to stay down here on the couch. I ought to also do my PM yoga, but will I?

I hope (you) don’t mind if I just make an entry.

originally published on 8/6/07

everyday observations

All, Most

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By the way, the same also applies to food. I couldn’t remember before, but I knew there were other uncontrollable issues. I cannot stop my food intake once I get started much of the time. So one of my solutions is to not get started in the first place. As you might surmise, that doesn’t always work, or I would be dead.
Let’s also not forget television watching. Again I try the not starting approach.

The annoying thing (one of them) is when I observe others who have far more ability to gauge what is their natural zone of healthy behavior. It isn’t a constant uphill battle for many, at least as far as I can observe. And I do observe quite a bit when I’m in a group. I don’t really bury myself in myself. I think I would get sort of claustrophobic without that outlet.

originally published on 8/12/07

everyday observations

Burrs

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I have enough shirts. There’s one deep dresser drawer, two closet shelves, a plastic bedside cubby, and various hung items. But I adore wearing new ones. Things just get old fast in my world. I need variety and unpredictability. But there are two problems: no room and no money. The room part would be solved if I did what I feel like doing, which is to get rid of anything less than a couple of months old. But these are perfectly good items. They only suffer from familiarity.
Some things improve with age. Appreciation of life’s many shades is enriched given time’s passing. Instruments become shaded and nuanced. Things of true beauty perhaps all improve, though there may be a breaking point where either enough is enough or decay sets in. I don’t consciously think about such issues, but I suppose I do make choices based on them. While I may think I’m going with my natural gut feeling about something, I could just be having some sort of knee-jerk, weirdly premeditated response to whether I perceive something as fresh and new and fun, or used and cliche and boring. It might only seem natural on the surface. Maybe that explains my new diet of the month, for instance, the Skinny Bitch. Is it great because it makes me feel better (both physically and ethically) or because it makes me feel different? This adoration of novelty is only part of how I make my choices, I know. I am (hopefully) using a complex assortment of drives, adding up to a given course of action. Unfortunately I err on the side of wishy-washy quite a bit, especially when no one guides me. I do better with a bit of nudging. I wish I liked being nudged…. It’s okay sometimes.

originally published on 10/18/07

everyday observations

Glamour

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I have noticed that when I cheat on my diet, I cheat again shortly thereafter. I have two theories to explain this. The nice theory and the nasty theory.
I could be feeling like, “Well, I survived this misstep okay. Who’s to say I won’t be fine if I did it again? Surviving it only proves that I am fine with it. I am more powerful than a silly milkshake, right? Maybe it’s even a step in the right direction. Who really knows? It’s good for the soul. I’ll just go ahead and have some more of that icky thing and pretend it’s only the first infraction. Every time is the first time. I am untouchable, unflinchable, indestructable. There is no cumulative effect, because I am not an organic being. I am a robotic superbeing. I just need to change my oil, buy some spare parts, polish up my brass coating. I can simply upgrade.”

Or there’s the underbelly version. “I slipped. It was inevitable. Did I really think I could exercise enough self-control to resist that? I’m a hopeless case. I may as well do it again, right? Now that I’ve started, I’ve proven beyond a shadow of a doubt my weakness of character. I only feel that rush of good feelings when I am validating my self-hatred. So go ahead and succumb 100%, why don’t you? Live it up. Then die it up. Who’ll really notice?”

originally published on 1/18/08

everyday observations

Bilateral

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I am splitting my reading time between two books – a mystery and an anti-sugar tome. I love the contrast. Each one seems to feed different parts of my brain. Following the unfolding of the elements of the mystery taps my concentration and steadfastness. It’s soothing and meditative. The dietary book piques my curiosity and raw emotion – it is unrelated to the elapsing of time. It forces me to reflect on my preconceptions and everyday actions, comparing them to the new information put forth page after page. I can absorb it a little at a time, like a snowball building up inside my food consciousness, until I am armed with to-do and not-to-do lists in that realm.
But the mystery part of my brain quietly ruminates over the plot and characters all the time. I have formed a subconscious bond with the aura and storyline of the book. There is nothing like that with the anti-sugar one. Once I put it down, it goes its separate way, as much as a book can go anywhere. It is a practical experience.

originally published on 2/1/08

everyday observations

Peel

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Those who may befriend you will simply mirror your level of openness. They will quite aptly sense your propensities and determine from that whether to approach you. I probably don’t give people enough credit for being sensitive to the internal give and take in this world. Signals are constantly being passed around. But they are primarily not conscious.
I ought not bemoan a lack of friends or a lack of fun repartee in chance meetings during daily activities and errands. There is no reason to expect others to be more open with me than I am with them. Or differently open in ways I may yearn for. They do as they see and feel.

originally published on 7/14/08

everyday observations

Pontoon

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I probably shouldn’t begin a blog at this ripe hour, but it’s been so long that I thought I’d at least give it a whirl. Hmm. C’mon, brain, do something. I have observed that I can have the kernel of an idea form in my mind, but to extract it out of its little corner is perhaps overly difficult. It feels like the parts of my brain in charge of different mental processes don’t know how to work with one another. Like the links between them have been zapped or something. It’s almost as if I’ve done drugs. I think I’ve avoided doing them specifically for just such risks. How annoyingly ironic.
I’ve been baking. That is a fun pastime. And tasty. I’ve been discovering the beauty of Teflon.

Maybe I should just sleep on it. I have been journaling privately. I start out writing letters to abusers, but it ends up being a more general sort of exploration of ideas. It’s a good place to springboard from, though. Nice and pithy, I think. A good way to get the old shovel out and start digging around in the graveyard of my mind.

Okay.

originally published on 10/10/08

everyday observations

Barn Surgery

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Haven’t posted for a while. Hope you’ve muddled without. I have a new diet. Eat until your stomach starts protruding, then stop. Seems easy, right? This came to me in the midst of back spasm hell. I realized that my back has to hold up my stomach at all times, not just in between meals. Somehow I thought it didn’t count at the moment of eating. The post-meal big stomach was a necessary anomaly, I figured. It is not reflective of the true state of things. But I know the truth now. And I have a 15 pound weight-loss to drive it home.
I got into breathing last night. It appears to be a good thing. Of course you can have too much of a good thing. But it’s nice to be reminded of the centrality of breathing. How many muscles does it encompass? Umpteen. Maybe all. Including the muscles of the mind. I can overfocus on it, of course. I have to remember that it is both a causative and responsive reflex action. In other words, it can both create the looseness in the body and be a result of good body focusing. I should feel at liberty to play with that. Not get stuck in one direction.

I got a crock pot. I’ve even used it.

originally published on 5/30/10

everyday observations

Mellifluous

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Why is it that in the middle of a shower I get the urge to go work out, thus negating the shower? And why do I want to sleep in when I must get up but arise early when I have no obligations? How deep do my contrarian tendencies go? I used to think it was optional, just something I could put on to help differentiate myself from the crowd. But then, why did I want to differentiate myself? Why was that important to me? It must have had some deeper underpinnings.
It happens to me all the time, really. And it’s annoying when I would actually like to accomplish something. I have to play cat and mouse with my urges. I must outwit them in order to achieve a goal. If I want to answer a non urgent-business email, somewhere inside I need to be planning to do something totally unrelated to writing. Then there’s hope of me doing what is opposite. Same is true for working out, unless I’ve somehow embedded it into my routine at the moment. But even my routines have to be interpreted as contrary to something else to stick to them.

My stomach tells me it’s already full when it’s time for Thanksgiving dinner, but eat aplenty when I really shouldn’t. My arms start aching when it’s time for a concert, but feel great when I don’t have any upcoming performances. See how deep and visceral it is? It’s not something easily accepted either, because it’s inherently opposite to the natural course of events. My mind is trying to follow and shape my life path, but my insides are making all sorts of detours.

It’s like I live inside a magnet or a rubber band. I’m being pushed and pulled along by an unseen North Pole or puppeteer pulling an opposite-handed string. Sometimes I think it’s my soul’s way of keeping me in a homeostatic state, keeping me centered in a way. Perhaps that’s the good side of it. So maybe I should learn to give in to the North or South Poles and let them do what they’re apt to do anyway, without intrusion from my conscious self. I do not really know what percentage of consciousness versus unconsciousness is really my favorite. It’s a fluctuating thing which is not exactly under my control, but I can tell when it’s out of whack, I guess.

This blog affects that balance. Writing affects it. As does psychotherapy. They both seemingly merge the conscious and unconscious in a smooth way. You can keep track of the intricacies of the merging process there. But again, it requires either outsmarting or randomly falling into the correct circumstance to get to this place of symmetry.

originally published on 12/5/10