I suppose the beauty of brainwashing/rationalizing is that the element of spontaneity doesn’t come into play much. That seems to be the hard part about true, sincere life. You never know when it will pop out of the woodwork or when it might disappear.
I have heard, “Act as if.” That may not seem sincere or organic, but at least it’s up to you.
originally published on 1/6/09
I wonder if good intonation for any single note is more dependent on the position and placement of all the non-playing fingers than on the playing one? Last week I surmised that the majority of the tension in the hand seems to come from the non-playing fingers, so this theory is an extrapolation from that.
originally published on 3/8/09
Self-sufficiency. What an odd concept. It seems so desirable. But its only use may be to allow one to bring something to the table of interdependency. Because once you have that ever-sought-after autonomy, what then? I suppose one thing you could do is continue exploring the vast nothingness of the soul and universe in perfect focus and isolation. I do fantasize about doing just that. But why am I so hard-put to actually pursue that path? One problem is that the fantasy of such supreme meditation never matches the reality. It could be that I am overshooting, imagining the final stages of a higher conscious state, when one only achieves that via hours and years of much duller and effortful sessions, lonely sitting on the floor. So, not surprisingly, I have not steadfastly endured such. I end up kind of weaving in between the fleeting pleasures of bonding with others and the similarly momentary high of a few minutes in solitude.
originally published on 3/9/09
You may be asking what it means to grow up. The usual cliche meaning is to take on more responsibilities. But that’s just a part of it I think, because many kids have fairly hefty responsibilities. The distinguishing characteristic may be how one perceives these burdens and tasks. If you understand the purpose of the tasks, then you can make informed decisions as to when to undertake them. You can mold your responsibilities into an organized lifestyle, a life unique to your personal traits and passions.< Another adult quality is appreciation. Adults learn to prefer the complexities and burdens of life to the simplicity of childhood via gratitude. In fact, it's even better because if we're lucky, we can still enjoy the simple things during the interim between our tasks. originally published on 3/14/09
I took a few days off (George Benson doesn’t really count) and when I came back to playing, I was somewhat lost. This can be a good, refreshing feeling of newness. And it was in some respects. But I felt lost in terms of my left hand research of late. There was one thing that had stuck from the most recent investigations, though. I was noticing another option in how to make contact with the string. You could simply lay your fingers down on the string using weight or strength or something physical like that; or you can become sensitive to the electrical impulses traveling from the hand to the cello. Humans are actually alive due to some version of electricity, I’ve heard. Without it, we die. Like our heartbeat.
So instead of pressing on the string, I am buzzing through it. Zapping. Vrooming. Humming. It’s fun. And easier.
originally published on 3/23/09
I’m still stuck on the prostrations I put myself through unnecessarily. Why can’t I avert the hoops, mind games and overstraining and get right to the well-balanced enlightenment? I have a theory about that. (I know someone who would groan at those words.) Is it possible that somewhere inside I believe that the best way to enjoy the high is to sink into the depths of despair beforehand? Is that my perfect setup? You see, if I skip that particular setup, it’s just possible that I won’t even know when I’ve hit the moment of elation.
That would also explain why an identical situation feels so different on different occasions. It’s the context, or what preceded it. This seems to go along nicely with the Buddhist philosophy I’ve been reading up on. Nothing is real; nothing is as it seems to be; all is impermanent in this life. The high that I think I am feeling is only thus by contrast to the low. The goal should be to bypass all of these swings up or down, and keep your eye on altruistic aspirations for all sentient beings. I’d like that.
originally published on 3/25/09
The Buddhist stuff is amazing because I keep finding it proven in my daily activities and experience; I have to work very little to convince myself of its veracity. I also like a philosophy that has its roots in the truth of everyday life rather than seemingly arbitrary edicts and deities. Indeed, there’s just enough of an unknowable, afterlife element to qualify it as a somewhat comforting religion instead of just a philosophy.
originally published on 3/25/09
I think I know why I like to eat. It’s because I am alive. Hunger affirms aliveness. That’s the other side of the coin of desperate, void-filling overeating. It is the irrepressible joy of affirmation (or affirmation of joy), although taken a bit too far sometimes.
The desperation also comes in the form of holding on to that happy feeling for dear life. Or trying to multiply it, intensify it. I think I do that in my music, too. I push my joyfulness or sorrow or any edgy expression to its brink. And I guess it gets me into trouble there too, physically and also interpretively.
I eat overexuberantly because I am afraid the day will come when I will not feel that exuberance about living, and somehow stuffing my face will either make up for that lack later on, or delay its onset. The day may come when I do not have the inclination to eat. I will not have that absolutely wondrous feeling associated with hunger and oral fixation. So what I have to remind myself of is that I can simply enjoy the present association of hunger, eating and joie de vivre without fear of the future, or sadness over what is not delightful in my life. Maybe it’s another way of saying, simply be pleased to be alive!
On another topic, I noticed tonight that the level I must attain of muscular rest needs to be greater than the average person’s. I have to rest as vigorously as I work. This refers specifically to cello-playing muscles. It could also apply to anyone’s focal points of physical exertion.
originally published on 7/5/09
Geographical fix. It’s fairly ridiculous to think of how much of my life depends on geography. Of course I’m not exclusively talking about my exterior life. My inner moods and reactions are deceptively connected to my surroundings and my proximity to the people who fill up my past and present (and future, even if only in fantasies). It’s also hard to keep track of the morphing that takes place when I travel. Sometimes I travel to visit one person, or to distance myself from another, but it’s easy to overshoot your target and end up too close or too far away from the persons in question.
I can also be duped (upended) when I travel for business or tourist reasons. A particular environment or city can bring up feelings and recollections that end up affecting my dreams and bent. There’s that old cliche, no matter where you go, there you are. That’s what’s so deceptive about geographical fixes. Your intertwined souls have their own needs and reasons, regardless of surroundings.
originally published on 8/13/09
It goes way back. All the way to the beginning. But that’s not what I’d like to think. I keep thinking there are new signposts all along the way. But what about Buddhism? That blames life itself for your woes. Once you’re born you’re in for it. Maybe that’s like original sin.
The important thing is to get a little perspective on the matter. To get an overview. There are deeper things than what Hollywood would like you to think make or break a life. Not that it’s really Hollywood’s fault. It’s a natural mistake. You look to the people closest to you and closest to the present moment for some sense of reality. Why would something that happened more than 30 years ago be more relevant? We forget that we were once something other than an assortment of quirks. We were all possibilities. Life oddly brainwashes you. But the real you is not brainwashed. The real you is free and easy. Malleable. Observant. Non-reactive. We just forgot.
originally published on 9/4/09