I did have a theory. It is that life is like the end of One Hundred Years Of Solitude. If you’re lucky, that is. You have all of your peccadillos. You have your weaknesses that you’re trying really hard to overcome throughout your life. One of the reasons for this is to extend your life. Because life is short, as it is.
But, it takes you the entirety of your life to get to the point where you seem to have resolved your peccadillos. So, actually, on the last day or hour of your life, you finally know how to live peacefully without your vices. Without your extraneous peccadillos. But, isn’t it ironic, as Alanis would say. It’s too damn late!! But, as a matter of fact, it’s perfect. We’re perhaps not supposed to live our lives without our vices. We can and should seek to balance ourselves out over time, but it’s not meant to end counterbalanced. Only Buddhists, perhaps, can make it past that mid point. They know that life is basically fucked up. Life is suffering. They strive to not live as a mere mortal again. They strive to rise above.
I think Christopher Hitchens strived to rise above. He sought prophet-like heights. He was not satisfied with the normal, typical daily grind of status quo life philosophies. He saw something greater for the world and for himself. He has helped me greatly. I would be fortunate to emulate him, I suppose.
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brang
If my response to success is so nihilistic, it’s no wonder I end up back in the same old same old. I mean what have been my great, grand failures anyway? I used to say I wanted failure, I wanted rejection. Then I knew I had at least tried to achieve something great. It reminded me that I was alive and that I strived to improve my lot in life. So I thought.
I guess the question is am I nihilistic, or am I autistic? Do I react to situations in the way I imagine is truly normal, truly healthy? What am I capable of, exactly. Maybe the way people react to success says a lot about them. What is success, anyway? Isn’t it largely self-discovered? You do the work to make the success happen yourself, let’s say. What is the work that needs to happen afterwards? Do you decide no work is appropriate afterwards? Do you turn the other cheek?
Beverly
Here are my introductions/poems that I read at my recital last night:
Debussy
(mvt 1) Planted firmly on the Earth, a powerful proclamation. But doubt takes on many shapes, as the curves in the road are numerous. You try to find your way, seeking certainty from wise ones. Arriving up to the highest precipice, you reclaim your power.
(mvt 2&3) Trying to be sneaky, but stumbling, bumbling. A lonely melody is strummed in the evening’s twilight. There are phantoms that startle and spook. You run away, faster and faster. Getting lost, finding yourself in unfamiliar territory. Fortunately the lonely melody returns like an old friend, and leads you to a hopeful place. You are connected to the Earth once again. You can fly, explore, zigzag, sink to the lowest depths, but it will never be forgotten. It watches you, this Mother Earth, until at last you land with a crash, a smash, yet reunited.
Ravel
Whisper, whisper, a baby rocking with musical triplets and duplets, back and forth. A beautiful fragrance, yet wistful.
A new kind of rocking, mature, thoughtful, pragmatically nuanced. An interwoven tapestry of colors and ages, millennia old. Diving into the richest soil, returning up to the highest ethers. When nothing more is to be plumbed, the small child finds her tranquilest place atop a cloud.
Stravinsky
(Intro) A lean, formal statement, energetic and lyrical
(Serenata) Rustling leaves in a gently whirling wind
(Aria) A two-faced rustic dance
(Largo) Sighing, reaching to the sky
(Tarantella) A tiptoed sprint, jutting out in spikes
(Minuetto et Finale) A parade begins, then detours, picking up nearby villagers. Not all are eager participants. This leads into a wild dance peppered with remembrances of friendships long past and of love, all culminating in a colorful fireworks display.
Chatter
I thought it was only an adenoid. I thought a lot of things. Why did I think it was worth thinking? If I don’t want to think or feel, I can just dig a hole and burrow into it. No Becky. If I want to get fat, just go ahead and proceed as you were. That’s no problem. It’s lovely that they updated this, but now I feel like a fish out of water. Is that a way to feel? Seems not. Cody could attest to that.
There are a lot of things that I haven’t had a chance to write about since I haven’t written anything. I don’t know what difference it makes. Maybe my life has taken a turn for the better. That allows me to do things and to think things. Smart martyrs. Restart the matre di. I don’t know if Tony would mind if I tried to start our own club. I have these fleeting ideas I guess, and then I’m off to the next one. Maybe that epitomizes my dieting regimen. On again, off again.
Here’s a transcript from a chat room where I was the only one chatting. Ha:
I’m going to write something, even if no one is here to read it or respond to it. I am here because I need to chat with someone, and at least there are seemingly some people here. Otherwise I can just write on my own blog, which is almost never responded to. I had a new approach to my eating. I decided to separate my physical self from the rest of what I consider myself. My mind, my ego, my spirit, my soul. Whatnot. I decided to treat my physical self the way I know it wants to be treated. And I can imagine anything I want in the persona that is the non-physical me. But I wasn’t going to confuse the 2. I decided that my physical self didn’t need to be subjected to the whims and cravings and neediness of my spiritual self. That was a few days ago. Unfortunately, I have lapsed in the last 24 hours. My approach has turned into dust in the wind, as they say. But I don’t want it to. I would like to hold on. That’s why I knew I should write. When I first came up with the idea, I told my significant other. I think announcing it helped give it more weight and permanence. I haven’t been announcing it anymore, because I already announced it. That would be silly. But maybe it’s not as silly as it seems. It can be a form of story telling. I can announce it to others. I can announce it here, for instance. I am. I can announce it to my 2 month old. It’s tricky to find someone to continually announce it to. People might think I’m just being silly. They don’t want to know. I’d like to reboot. I’d like to go back 3 days, to when this was working. I’d like to keep it going, not discard it. Not disband. I don’t need to balloon. Ballooning.
Handwrite
Gloppy
Is it silly that I never considered myself an adrenaline junkie? I should consider myself some kind of junkie. I have developed a personality that craves that zippy brain. Or that has become so used to it that it has no idea how to function in its absence.
I am obsessive. But I never thought I was. You can rationalize almost anything. It’s only human. I love what Jeff Goldblum’s character says about rationalization in The Big Chill. Rationalization is unavoidable. But knowing the difference between it and deeper truths is key to living in truth.
I am tired of denying. Of rationalizing. But I am so used to being tired. I know it sounds like I’m repeating myself. But for me it’s not. I am wrapping my brain around something which is challenging for me. I must wrap from many sides and with many layers in order to actually get a good grasp on it.
I was going to write about the day I had at the County Fair, a day of getting more and more obsessed with food and less and less in touch with any other more spiritual, grounded parts of myself. I was going to write that at least I had a strong awareness of this obsession. I saw it for what it was. A thing unto itself. Unconnected to hunger or any need for sustenance. It’s very complicated. And then I’m so proud of myself for having a flatter stomach. It turns out I am idolatrizing. I am missing the potential I have to be a spiritual, beautiful human being. I am idolizing something very superficial, eh? Thinness. Where will that get me? Nowhere. Fast.
(next morning) I have a weird relationship with adrenaline. Weird things happen when I get it in my system. Equally weird things happen when I don’t. Should my life revolve around it? It appears to have been the primary factor causing my imbalance last night after the fair. I got the rush, but I didn’t binge? Which way is up? How do I come to terms with that turn of events? At least I seem to be figuring it out now. I am just loving this learning curve relating to OA.