It’s the same old thing. I don’t want to feel pain. So I immerse it in sugar. Or other such things. I am trying to admit that I’m in pain, and see if that helps. I think I knew that I was using the sugar for that purpose. In real time. Sort of. I was sitting there with the knowledge that I couldn’t handle the pain. But I didn’t write here. That wouldn’t have been self destructive. I chose my go-to resource. Bingeing. I thought I was on the verge of bulimia. I saw myself buying too much snacky food. I guess I would have thought I was immune to bulimia because it always gave my chills to see movies about it. It always disgusted me. Why would I want to participate in something I find so distasteful? Isn’t that ridiculous? Isn’t that crazy?

But there I was, going straight for the binge food, as if I was then going to purge later. Whether or not I was always drawn to bulimia, it seems to be a very natural course of action for me. Maybe that’s a discovery I can use. I need to know why. I wonder if it’s hereditary / learned. I mean, I was wondering that in real time last night.

Another potential problem is that I do take things very hard. I do go deep into things. I do go deep, too. That is a lot of ground to cover, emotionally speaking. I am very multi layered. So I think I’m doing okay, and then a different layer emerges, that I had either forgotten about, is newly discovered, or deliberately pushed out of my awareness, and I don’t feel I have the resources to deal with it. So I quickly have to find some way to deal with it. I binge. I binge.

If only OA covered this subject in the ways I would need them to, to make it an effective support tool. Wow. I just looked over at my bingeing evidence. I suppose the food companies didn’t really know what destruction could be perpetrated on an individual by means of their products. I kind of want to blame them. But it’s not their fault. Or even if it was, that doesn’t equal the solution to my problem. I suppose there are factions that want unhealthy foods to be swept from the grocery store aisles. They blame them for obesity and diabetes upticks.

In my case, that isn’t really the point. I make concerted efforts to seek out the binge foods. They don’t come to me. Theoretically, I am supposed to be seeking food for the purpose of nourishment. Or perhaps flavor. Or pleasure. But drowning my sorrows isn’t really the best idea. Poor sorrows, they’ve drowned. Aaaaa! I’m a murderer.