I still wonder if I am the way I am because of different incidents in my life, or if I always exuded these traits. It’s a funny mind-bent to take yourself back to those possible key moments when something external may have altered your very fabric in some way. I wonder if it is really any more odd than thinking about internal, inevitable human-development turning points, even though one may appear so much more organic and natural than the other. External changes have certain obvious events you can reference – birth, first day of school, first crush, first fight, first summer camp away from home, first concert, first love, marriage, children, mortgage, etc. – whereas internal ones have a morphing quality that’s at least as deep but much more elusive.
I have also been an observer of the different levels of gentleness possible with any psycho-spiritual changes. It seems to depend how the new information is presented. Reading books is usually much gentler than being thrust into a baffling new social situation. However, these many intensities are important in crossing the various rites of passage, I believe. And even if they are not, they seem to be inescapable. I find the best way to truly figure out where the point of balance is on any philosophical pursuit, is to experience at least some of the edges that comprise it.

originally published on 3/8/09