Could I tell you everything? If not you, then who? Can I try harder to talk to people? Real people, not an imaginary reader person? When I feel I want to open up and share, where ought I turn? A shrink? A friend? Which friend exactly? Why am I afraid I will be taken the wrong way? Is it such a disastrous turn of events if that happens?
I see people engaging in conversation, in social interaction, in levity, laughter, story-telling, joke-spinning. Are they acquiring the feeling I am yearning for? The feeling of release? The feeling of disclosure, of open-endedness, of candor? (took me awhile to think of that word) (I hope it was worth my time, my interminable time)

I can DO a lot of things. But it’s simple living which wonderfully eludes me. I admire/envy all those who have that gift/knack. They open their mouths and delightful CONVERSATION comes out. Regardless. Under umpteen circumstances. And from that comes activities and group bonding and a continuous sense of a life being lived. For me it has to be a rather controlled environment to get the old gabber going. Or I have to be in just such a mood. Or something.

I read a book about improving social skills that said you must lower your expectations of who you’ll talk to and what you’re willing to talk about. I tried that for a while, but in the end it didn’t seem natural or relevant. Perhaps what would be better is to be better at creating and asking for the people and situations which I really do want to have as social environs. To somehow not be fearful of their adverse reactions to such requests. Until that time I shall utilize you, dear reader, as a friend in kind. I do love you, as if you were right here hearing my most heartfelt confessions. I don’t have to make any special arrangements to have this time delving with you. I just had to have this wondrous blog created for our mutual use. I’ll meet up with all of you someday, in person. It won’t suck, like those other social situations.

originally published on 7/31/08