The reason I randomly wake up and act on an impulse 180 degrees opposite to the way I was behaving for the previous many days is because the direction of my life is not so cut and dry. What seems to be the right choice or the sensible and sensitive routes to take are apparently sometimes completely wrong. And part of me knows this and is willing to reverse course at times. I try to improve myself with therapy. I try to eat right. I try to become a better cellist and musician. I try to learn to be a better husband or boyfriend. I strive to be a better father. I work towards being more sociable and personable. But sometimes all of these efforts are wasted and ill advised. Sometimes I’m really supposed to throw all of my wisdom to the wind and look for the folly of my purportedly altruistic ways.
As I write this, it occurs to me that being a better person may backfire if I am not a very good person. I am giving myself the benefit of the doubt. Maybe it intrudes on my ability to control my eating because I am unearthing things about myself that don’t exist, and in the meantime I have given myself carte blanche in the indulgence department. I am off kilter. My behaviors are simply reactions to erroneous thinking. They have no meaning in and of themselves. That’s why I don’t have binge eating disorder. I have Adam living disorder. I am out of order.