I’m stuck. I’m fulfilling a role set by someone else. My actions are dictated by another. Societal parameters. And I feel alone. Alone and stuck. The one I can talk to is never in my present. Only past and future. Only imaginary. Maybe that’s not true. I do open up to people in the present. But it’s hard to recall because I close myself off just as quickly. I don’t sustain the openness. So they are fleeting moments. Do they add up to something? Maybe. I think they do accumulate. But they never seem to add up to what I am hoping and yearning for. Is this a philosophical, emotional, or psychological issue? Are they different? Is my problem dietary, disciplinary, auditory, or what?
If it’s a beautiful day outside, should I be happy? (philosophy) Should I expect happiness to come my way? (since it has in the past, for however fleeting a time) Can I provide happiness for myself? Or do I need assistance? Assistants? Am I supposed to know the answer to any of these questions, or just ask them? Does not knowing the answer condemn me to some sort of sorrowful existence? Maybe existence isn’t so static as finding the answers and then being contented. It’s the searching which is so important. So don’t stop! Don’t be ashamed to be continually inquisitive.

originally published on 4/28/08