Quirky. Quirkiness. Is that the beginning of the spectrum? I am tempted to look for alternatives to my autism theory. I think that is part of my quirkiness, my searching for theories. Remember what Amy said? Haha. I never thought it was inborn or ingrained, for some reason. I never thought I couldn’t go ahead and change something in myself. I think it’s very tricky differentiating between different parts of yourself. But it’s a nice thing to try to do, because you’re the closest to the source. Everyone else is just guessing from clues. They aren’t on the inside track.

Last night I thought about writing. I had some ideas. This autism theory is a nice springboard for theorizing about pretty much everything that’s ever happened to me. I have yet to find anything that cannot be applied, at least to some degree, to the autism theory. I guess I don’t like the idea of a psychiatrist doubting or questioning my own hypothesis. It troubles me. I already have a tendency to second guess myself.

It’s a shame if Cody has adopted this propensity. It could be a source of much pain and confusion. But hopefully I can be a guide. If I figure out what’s going on, then he can use me as a resource.

I guess I am not totally satisfied with my theory when I see so many others succumbing to the same foibles. Like overeating and snacking. Why would that be related to a special syndrome like autism? I guess there could be a variety of reasons for overeating. Autism might spur on that sort of dysfunctional habit. This light autism makes it problematic to reason my way through bad habits. Maybe my autism is a complex mixture of different issues that have been conglomerating throughout a lifetime of trials and errors. Cody’s version is at an early stage.

The other question remains: are we talking about a bad thing necessarily? But that’s why I mention the inability to take directions from my own brain (and maybe Cody from teachers/elders). That indicates a reliance on my heart and spirit instead of my intellect. Is autism a relatively new diagnosis? I wonder if I really know what I’m talking about. All I really know is from watching Rain Man.

I guess I think and operate differently. One of the problems with that is assuming I can compare myself to others readily. Also, that others will understand me readily. Also, that I will understand myself readily, haha.