carrie fisher |

I don’t know if it’s good or bad to be sad. Jeff Foster says it’s neither. You shouldn’t judge. Maybe you can incorporate the sadness, not eradicate it, not fight it. Are happier people the ones who do that? I never considered that. I always thought the happy people were less wired toward feeling sad. Maybe that’s wrong.

Is writing like this incorporating sadness? Is reading the Bible incorporating sadness? Are these things that touch me in some deep way tapping into a fuller spectrum of emotions than the everyday activities that I laden my life with? Why didn’t my shrinks ever posit that? Is it because they figured that being a cellist was already supposed to fulfill any desires and complete any gaps in my soul? Or is it that the shrinks I found didn’t believe in butting into my natural existence too much? They just wanted to allow me to uncover my own truths. So here I am, years later, making some growth spurts finally. Better late than never.

The problem with learning is that it is slow. But I feel a tug after death after death of famous people I admired and affected me. Death is a teacher, as well. Carrie Fisher’s death has certainly opened my eyes, having read about her life. I never knew. In reality, I don’t want to put myself in an early grave. I’d like to do whatever is within my power to prolong my existence here. The thing that is somewhat news to me is that I can enjoy being alive, possibly even moreso, without engaging in life-shortening activities. If I know that my only choice isn’t self-medicating my pain and sadness, then I think there is hope.

Poison. Pain. All the things that require self medicating. I am part of the continuum of human existence that includes Carrie Fisher. I feel the same kinds of feelings that she was known to refer to, and that she used various numbing techniques for. And I know that I am curtailing my life with these techniques.

It seems to be an inescapable loop. I am learning and growing. But I am also in a repeating loop. The loop of pain. I believe Carrie (and others), who said that the pharmaceutical fixes for the pain cause quite a bit of problems in themselves. So I am not eager to experiment with them. I never was. All of my shrinks seemed to think there were other options for me. But of course I am supposed to differentiate between the healthy ones and the hurtful ones.

And then there is the question of nature vs nurture. This seems to be an ongoing conundrum in my mind. Remember the problem I had with therapy was that it wasn’t natural. I have gone astray of its philosophy in the interim years flying on my own.

Writing is supposed to be a healthy learning and exploring tool. Reading has been helpful. As you know, I have taken to studying the Bible. I wish it wasn’t so laden with baggage. So much insanity and evil seem to result from its teachings. How literally to take it? I wish I could enjoy whatever philosophy and religion resonates with me without being required to take sides in heated debates. It’s not that I don’t have strong opinions, but they don’t tend to revolve around the things most people love spouting off on. That is one of the reasons it has been helpful to write. This is a forum where I am not tethered to someone else’s outlook – I can actually express my unique perspective.

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Chapper