Maybe people know their death is impending because of my theory. Maybe you feel the juxtaposition of wisdom and death. You have aha moments throughout a lifetime. But that doesn’t feel like the final deep understanding. Perhaps you have a choice each time one of those aha moments comes along. You can heed it, and change your evil ways, or not. If you end up not, you are exactly one step closer to your ultimate demise. Maybe your lifespan is directly proportionate to this heeding. Maybe it’s only the lucky ones who gain the wisdom to know why they’re dying. Genesis wrote a song about the quest to live forever. There’s a lot that goes into longevity. Right? Or so I’ve heard.
So how do you heed the call? Is it a question of the appropriateness of a reaction? Don’t either overreact or underreact. What’s wrong with overreacting? Maybe either of those is somehow too superficial. You have to react exactly the right amount. You have to ingest those epiphanies. Eat them. Taste them. Swish them.
Maybe that’s why I feel I’m closer to being a true interpreter of the repertoire. I have eaten enough moments of understanding in my life that it has built up. I was even telling Josh about an interpretive concept that surprised myself with its degree of Starkerian wisdom. It was about building Bach movements architecturally. You are working to get from point A to point G, I said. You need to seek all the distinct points in between.
It was nice to have this source of wisdom inside me, that I also knew how to impart. But is that a sign that death is getting that much closer? Am I supposed to fear death? Or not. Is it better to fear it? I don’t know how deep my fear goes. If it is coincidental with wisdom, is it really such a bad thing? Is it perhaps the beginning of something better, something new, something different?
I used to think I could remember the time before I was born. There was a time. I wonder if that memory has spared me from some of a fear of death. But logic dictates that having an underdeveloped fear of death means you will act more rashly and impulsively. More recklessly. More fearlessly. Do I?

Death. Ha ha. I never knew I was obsessed with it. Since when? Since forever. It seems so obvious now. And there’s a fine line between life and death. Like with food. You eat to survive, but you overeat to commit a slow suicide. They seem so extreme, but actually it’s a razor thin line. Anyone who toys with the idea of death sees parallels all the time. You’re always almost dead. I don’t know if it’s as much morbid as it is steeped in pathos. Another fine line. I wish I could say they weren’t everywhere. I also think they are very Buddhist. If the middle way weren’t so elusive, we’d all have found it by now.