Tag Archives: emotions

hypotheses and philosophies

Lionizer

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I’m reviewing my library in search of answers. I have seen my emotional roller-coastery self of late. I feel I am in a good place to pull back and reflect. I must feel a certain stability right now, as though I’ve been through something dangerously wonderful, or wonderfully dangerous, and lived to tell the tale. Also I’ve been practicing pretty regularly, which has a grounding effect. I am still a walking advertisement for neuroses, but somehow I’m just that much more composed.
So I have reconsidered the possible sources of who I am and why I do things. I have come back to something called borderline personality disorder. In reading my books on it, I would have to say I am borderline borderline. The reason it is called borderline if I understand correctly, is because it didn’t quite fall into any readily identifiable psychiatric categories at the time the name was coined in the 1930’s. It borrowed symptoms from various illnesses and seemingly arbitrarily glommed them together, based on the patients observed. Nowadays it is an established disorder. I myself only have a portion of the symptoms, which is why I say borderline borderline. I also feel like the name borderline aptly describes my feelings in life generally, kind if like I’m in a no-man’s land between normal, functional, real-life society and a weirder place of my own making full of dreams and emotions of both wondrous and frightful nature. I am straddling the two almost all the time. It is rather frustrating because I feel I cannot commit to anything 100%. I only know how to exist on that borderline.

I think that is why I spend much of my time not being particularly productive. Non-action is the best means I can come up with to guard against falling off this fence. I guess I feel either choice is going to be a disappointment. Any choice, really. Of course I do have to make choices sometimes, but I try to keep them to a minimum.

The choices I make are usually fine. And the dreams and fantasies I muse upon are generally of a reasonably pleasant or useful sort. The trouble is this dang-blasted split between the two, frequently leaving me in limbo, a dead heat of indecision. Thankfully I have found that writing helps bridge the gap.

originally published on 11/17/07

reflections within

Bintle

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I’m sorry that it’s less natural for me to write about happy moments I have. You may get the idea that I am miserable non-stop. I actually am fairly shy about my happier feelings. I think I want to protect them from being obliterated by those who would hurt me or mock them. It’s safer to divulge the pain than the pleasure, so it seems. But I just had a happy phone conversation where I expressed feelings of affection and bondedness. I thought you should know.

originally published on 7/9/08

reflections within

Apart

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What is loneliness? It’s a feeling of an invisible wall between you and others. It comes from within or without. I spend my time trying to elude this feeling. But it has an alluring side to it in the form of satiation. The filling in of the gap of loneliness is truly an amazing experience. But it’s a tricky little bugger, due to its depth. There are many layers of that cobblestone wall, and it acts as a guide directing you to this or that place in your heart. Then you must ask, is it always wise to follow its lead? I’m not sure. But if you ignore this particular feeling, the consequence could be worse than heeding it.

originally published on 4/20/07

hypotheses and philosophies

Bleat

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I believe I am on the brink, the precipice. This seems to explain a lot of the things that are going on in my head, things which are very hard to explain to anybody else. It is very easy for me to be knocked off any kind of balance point that I may have found. Many things can do it. A dare is sometimes the culprit. I tell myself that I am feeling good and unperturbed, and then I ask myself how this may be undermined. I dare myself. Recently I realized that it probably shouldn’t be that easy to topple my peace of mind.

I have been on the edge like that for a long time. I have also ironically thought that I have an unusually strong sense of stability. Maybe it is simply an outcome of all the effort I am making to be stable and self-aware. I feel that deeper down I am truly on the edge. I expend a lot of energy concocting a facade to stabilize this. I would love to be able to address this directly, instead.

originally published on 8/21/07

reflections within

Portioned

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The last thing I want to do is write about truthful things. I will expend all my energy in attempts to avoid introspection. I will go through every emotion, shop in every store, practice every exercise, water every plant. I will eat every peanut, watch every show, drink every smoothie, shoot every basket.

I am pacing myself, you say. Maybe. I am learning through all these external activities and relationships, you claim. Could be. Then why does it feel in my heart of hearts that I am simply running? Simply averting my eyes? I certainly get annoyed at that heart of hearts. I think I want it to leave me alone. But is that true? Isn’t it my only salvation? I am a giant jerk to it. If I were see-through, translucent, what would be visible on the inside? Some red, burning shapes? A community of characters in chaos? The truth would become evident.

originally published on 4/18/08

cello practice, hypotheses and philosophies

Bender

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I seem to vacillate between a mechanical and an emotional approach to natural cello technique and performance. It is only those rare moments that I can muster both at the same time.

If I make fresh headway in my emotional and personal development, I often find that I can use those insights to assist my musical expression. Music is not all that different than life, although applying that maxim is easier said than done.

I have recently noticed that I tend to skim the surface of my relationships, mistaking fleeting euphoria for true joy. So I reasoned that I am probably doing the same thing with my music-making. When I then tried to open myself up to riskier, more global sentiments, I felt more at one and at peace in my interpreting. It’s like it resonated inside me more, which reminds me of something Sebok loved to talk about. The path to wisdom is rarely found in a straight line.

originally published on 6/17/08

reflections within

Truthood

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All the permutations and complexities of relationships and feelings are simply what is real to me. I experience life on many layers. What appear to be conflicting emotions are the richness of life. If I deny that, then I am being false. It is only acting. There doesn’t seem to be much point in that. Eventually everyone’s goal is honesty, self-disclosure, isn’t it? Why delay the good stuff?

originally published on 6/13/07

reflections within

Plebeian

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I am still working on the whole mind, body, heart thing. It’s frustrating. I seem to be so utterly conditioned to cut myself off from one or more of them. But even when I make a deliberate effort to be in touch with them, I am realizing it is not enough because they are divided among themselves. They don’t function properly that way.
I guess I spend the majority of my time either actively or passively cutting myself off from myself. It is just by habit. People who don’t do this seem like aliens to me.

I believe I wouldn’t be so confused so often if I had that knack for integration. It would not only reflect on the cello.

originally published on 8/20/07

reflections within

Lycopene

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There is a wealth of information brewing inside me on the subject of love. I was wishing I could put it all into words as I perused the journal section at Barnes & Noble. A blank page is a very alluring thing to me. I of course have little formal training in the written arts, apart from a good English teacher I had in high school.
It’s an odd sensation to know you could write volumes on a subject, but then feel stuck for putting down even one coherent sentence. What occurred to me at B&N is that I cannot keep these ideas and feelings inside me for the rest of my life and expect it to have been a fruitful one. They are profuse enough that it becomes a ridiculous notion not to make some kind of use of the sum of their parts.

originally published on 10/1/07