Tag Archives: emotions

reflections within

8

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I hate feeling stifled. I am envisioning times in the past with no sense of that. Am I exaggerating reality? Falsifying memory? Living in the past that never really was? Why do I do that? It is so very confusing to not be in the present, and to misconstrue the past, longing for something that never was. That means you are left with nothing. No real, true memories and no present, and a deep fear of the future.
And what is the cause of all this? Bad things that happened, which I am spending great energy denying, and which laid the groundwork for not living in the present moment. Not only not living in the present, but being deathly afraid of the present. Much more than most people, it seems. I am truly trapped in the nether-region between the non-existent past (which could be anything, really, since it is no more than dust now) and the intimidating present. Where is that? Nowhere, really.

The past, present and future are all closed off to me, psychically. They seem to be laden with ghosts. Perhaps that was why a lobotomy seemed appealing for a time. Simple surgical removal of them. Seems so easy. But then you realize that the ghosts have great value, if only you could befriend them somehow. They are really the keys that unlock various doors.

originally published on 11/11/09

hypotheses and philosophies

10

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Too many distractions. Hard to know what might be going on in this heart. Leaping around from thing to thing. But that seems to be the point. It is the distractions which are designed to cover it up. The whole of society enjoys them. Garbage in, garbage out. That may explain the driving need to express myself. I let in so much jumbled, chaotic gobbledygook that it’s no wonder there’s a boatload to unload. Maybe peace lives where nothing comes in and nothing goes out. Just a stasis, a balance point.

originally published on 11/14/09

reflections within

12

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The problem with anger is it’s not a particularly constructive way of dealing with problems that come up in life. I mean, normal-sized problems. What would be better is to acknowledge whatever angry reaction you have to a situation, express or deal with the feeling somehow, and then be free to address the issues rationally. That’s probably where things like catastrophizing come into play. That is an unholy combination of strong negative feelings and an attempt to fix the problem.
I used to be admired or commended for my ability to let things roll off my back. Really I just deal with my negative feelings differently – I don’t deal with them, for the most part. They come out in odder ways, through my behavior and my difficulty doing things. And my ruminating. But one way or another, they are there and they affect me all too deeply.

originally published on 11/23/09

reflections within

13

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If I pay attention, I see I am feeling hidden anger. Why must I wait until things get life-sized and difficult to manage?
But it’s hard to pinpoint its source. Is it mostly long-forgotten and long-dismissed incidents from long ago? It seems like it. So if I’ve disregarded the importance of those old feelings, chances are I never went through any grieving-type process. I never actually let myself get angry, or sad, or forgave anyone, or had any other naturally occurring offshoots from painful experiences.

My tendency to hold in my anger, even to my own eyes, could be a result of my fear that if I start letting it out, it will overwhelm me and everyone in the vicinity. I also may perceive it as unclassy. Or maybe it will be underwhelming, and seem wimpy. It’ll look like sour grapes, or like I’m a crybaby. Not like a real man.

originally published on 11/23/09