Tag Archives: random thoughts

hypotheses and philosophies

The Limit

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Wow. What is it about home that sucks it out of me? What residual crap am I dealing with that has nothing whatsoever to do with my present life? Because I really am at a loss to discover what could be the instigator of my numbness. As soon as I got off the plane in Ft Myers I felt it beginning. By the time I got home I was ready to collapse into my useless routine. There is nothing remotely cruddy enough about my life here that would explain this reaction.

In fact, I did some fantastic reading, writing and soul-searching on the plane ride from Detroit. You wanna see some? But wait, before I do that, let me just say that my growth and emergence from whom I have been to whom I could be is inevitably going to be slow and incremental. So I would be wise to cut myself a little slack. Okay, here’s the quotation:

Wisdom is seemingly a cure for what I frequently consider neuroses. The seeking of wisdom. The imparting of it. Wisdom may not be a static state of being. It must find expression. I like to be static, to find defining characteristics of myself, others, or situations, and label them or pinpoint them. But what if it is in the striving for this clarification that truth and beauty lie? Not to mention serenity and open-endedness? It feels like a paradox: motion, generosity of spirit, and active inquiry may be the pathway to inner calmness and balance. Maybe it is akin to yin and yang – one without the other is a spiral downward. Passion and reason, as Gibran says. He continuously attributes his higher sense of wisdom to observing the menial day-to-day lives of the villagers of Orphalese (The Prophet). Give and take. A giver needs a receiver and vice versa. What use is wisdom without confusion, and how can the confused strive towards anything without learned guidance?

I guess one of the sources of my neurotic behavior is my need to find equality and fairness in the world. But maybe that is a flawed aspiration in the first place. That would lead to a stasis and eventual deterioration. For how does one determine the superior philosophy to use as the benchmark for a good life? Whatever and whoever are eliminated will end up being squashed, discounting any equality.

originally published on 12/8/07

hypotheses and philosophies

Malnourish

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There is a problem with having a strong constitution. It’s a double-edged sword. While you’re only minimally affected by bad things that happen to you or that you inflict upon yourself, you have great difficulty developing strategies to encourage healthy behavior. It’s hard to say who ends up better off: the weaker among us who learn quickly how to live correctly, but eventually cannot handle what life throws at them; or the stronger ones who can withstand severe abuse, but never end up learning how to take care of themselves, thereby succumbing to their own foibles.

Another angle: pacing. Constitutional pacing. How quickly each person’s body succumbs to harmful intrusion, both in the short and the long term. That is probably more apropos than simple blanket strength. If your pacing is gradual, then you must be particularly reliant on your wits to make your way through the maze of temptations. You’re getting very little feedback from your senses or internal nervous system. If you navigate erroneously, you’ll catch it in the ass later on. Or in the arm. Or the tooth. Or in that tendon descending from the kneecap. These toxins will build up, and you’ll be out for the count for a good while.
But the quick-paced among us are getting feedback almost constantly. And while it isn’t pleasant, it’s a good chauffeur to lead us in healthy directions.

originally published on 2/2/08

everyday observations

Baby Brain

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I’d just like to know why nobody ever explained to me about the correlation between total looseness and total fitness. Why have I been wasting all my life fooling around with the stuff in between? I need some direction occasionally, like everybody else.

The incredible thing I’ve observed is that those two elements are quite compatible. It reminds me of Tamino, a cat I befriended, who was simultaneously completely at rest and loose, and like a springboard ready to pop. We used to call him the perfect athlete. He was like a fluid – ever modulating between the differing physical and energetic states of being.

originally published on 2/21/08

reflections within

Portioned

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The last thing I want to do is write about truthful things. I will expend all my energy in attempts to avoid introspection. I will go through every emotion, shop in every store, practice every exercise, water every plant. I will eat every peanut, watch every show, drink every smoothie, shoot every basket.

I am pacing myself, you say. Maybe. I am learning through all these external activities and relationships, you claim. Could be. Then why does it feel in my heart of hearts that I am simply running? Simply averting my eyes? I certainly get annoyed at that heart of hearts. I think I want it to leave me alone. But is that true? Isn’t it my only salvation? I am a giant jerk to it. If I were see-through, translucent, what would be visible on the inside? Some red, burning shapes? A community of characters in chaos? The truth would become evident.

originally published on 4/18/08

hypotheses and philosophies

Young, or not

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Self-sufficiency. What an odd concept. It seems so desirable. But its only use may be to allow one to bring something to the table of interdependency. Because once you have that ever-sought-after autonomy, what then? I suppose one thing you could do is continue exploring the vast nothingness of the soul and universe in perfect focus and isolation. I do fantasize about doing just that. But why am I so hard-put to actually pursue that path? One problem is that the fantasy of such supreme meditation never matches the reality. It could be that I am overshooting, imagining the final stages of a higher conscious state, when one only achieves that via hours and years of much duller and effortful sessions, lonely sitting on the floor. So, not surprisingly, I have not steadfastly endured such. I end up kind of weaving in between the fleeting pleasures of bonding with others and the similarly momentary high of a few minutes in solitude.

originally published on 3/9/09

hypotheses and philosophies

Illbegotten

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Geographical fix. It’s fairly ridiculous to think of how much of my life depends on geography. Of course I’m not exclusively talking about my exterior life. My inner moods and reactions are deceptively connected to my surroundings and my proximity to the people who fill up my past and present (and future, even if only in fantasies). It’s also hard to keep track of the morphing that takes place when I travel. Sometimes I travel to visit one person, or to distance myself from another, but it’s easy to overshoot your target and end up too close or too far away from the persons in question.

I can also be duped (upended) when I travel for business or tourist reasons. A particular environment or city can bring up feelings and recollections that end up affecting my dreams and bent. There’s that old cliche, no matter where you go, there you are. That’s what’s so deceptive about geographical fixes. Your intertwined souls have their own needs and reasons, regardless of surroundings.

originally published on 8/13/09

reflections within

Eel Farmer

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I got one lottery number right. Obviously someone else did much better than that, since there was a winner. But for me one correct number is quite good. I’m sure they will enjoy their 26 million.
I am a bit at a loss on what to write these days. I’ve got plenty of stuff I can put in my private journal. Plenty of stuff that is very specific. I obviously prefer to incorporate more general musings here in this public forum. I guess I could put down all sorts of everyday little factoids, but, at least lately, I don’t see what use that would be to anyone.

That reminds me, I was thinking about what I deem of worth even in my own hour-by-hour life. Do I have something against pleasant, non-soul-searching conversation? Ought I have that bias? Or is lighthearted banter actually valuable? I wonder. I just told some people that I prefer listening and playing music seeped in pathos. But then I also think my sorrowful undertones give the more cheery stuff I play a certain beauty, if I can get out of myself somewhat and enjoy the sunnier qualities.

But I appear to be a dark soul on many levels. I think it would be good for me to explore and express some other colors in the spectrum of life.

originally published on 5/3/07

reflections within

Reeked and Wracked

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I am definitely prone to being all or nothing. One extreme or the other. This week I find myself trying my hardest to please, to be a good boy, a perfect fellow. I don’t even know I am making perfection my goal, but I am. It is a goal wracked with risks. One of the chief ones seems to be my own shame trip when I see a flaw in my efforts. Also, I end up drawn to others of like extremeness. Maybe that explains the prior blog’s reference to idle, pleasant repartee and its seeming uselessness. Who needs a conversation when it sticks to the sane, centered ground of everyday life? This propensity to primarily engage with extremists only exacerbates the imbalance within myself, and it makes a way out harder to locate from the mire.
I do appear to be somewhat obsessed with karma, again without my knowing it. It is probably a great way to widen those extremes I so love. I seek good karma (a habit apparently ingrained in me from God knows where). For instance, I imagine if I can play Mozart beautifully, I will go to Heaven (have good karma). Then I fear that if I disobey someone I respect or care about (or am intimidated by), I will have bad karma (go to Hell, I suppose). What’s in between these two options, I ask? I can’t say. Sadly, what is in between might be the stuff which makes up a life. Is that like hearing between the notes?

These extremes of ideology, emotion or obsession which I and others run to are facades, but they certainly seem convincing in the moment. I would like to be able to differentiate between fantasy and some semblance of reality. Then I will know when I am simply taking a temporary flight of the imagination (either alone or with someone else) from which I can exit at my leisure.

originally published on 5/19/07

reflections within

Partaken

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I have had revelations before, technically, spiritually, musically, and otherwise. How long do their effects last usually? Should I take myself seriously when I am deeply convinced of a notion? What about other people, when they are sure of something? Are they more or less trustworthy than me? Apparently it depends.
If I can stay on this path of looseness, it could be an important turning point. That is what I am thinking as I sit there experiencing the effects of this approach. It’s a strange sort of morphing that is going on. At first it feels like it’s getting worse – my arm still hurts, and I don’t even have the illusory and fleeting pleasure of expressing how the music moves me. Then, little be little, I begin to sense something letting go in my sinews and muscular fibers. I am in disbelief. It’s actually taking effect.

So, how long ought I expect this positive change to continue? Is there going to be a swerve in the road at some point? Will I lose focus? Will this technique cease to be effective as time goes on? What about all the different genre I have to perform in?, orchestral, chamber, solo, and otherwise.

These are some of the thought processes I have when I’m sitting there practicing or rehearsing, or even performing at times.

originally published on 8/4/07