All or nothing. Why is that my predilection? Don’t answer that. I was limiting it to specific issues like music and food. But in truth it has no limits, kind of like its own self. No control. It’s an illusion of control, this all or nothing.
I used to envision love and sex as all or nothing deals. And I did my trick of withholding them (specifically sex) so as not to be drowned by them, just like I mentioned last evening. Actually it wasn’t specifically sex, was it. I totally hid my deeper feelings of love and affection from myself and others, too. Such heartwarming traits. Thank G-d I am becoming slightly aware of it after all these years.

originally published on 8/12/07

There’s an issue of scope. It runs from the very small to the very large. Am I supposed to focus on the moment as it is happening or see the grand scheme leading up to and coming away from the now? And where should I start and end from? I am finding my physical challenges particularly apparent right now. In what context can I place fatigue? In the moment I strive to avoid it. But as my schedule compounds and it becomes unavoidable, I see it can be an ally in enriching the music-making. It is like an athlete who reaches his peak after a good amount of time placing his body under stress. There is an arc created, but it is difficult to account for it in the present moment.

originally published on 11/29/07

If I’m not mistaken, I am afraid of perfection, or at least the attempt at it. I know some people who are afraid of emotional expression. I seem to have an irrational fear of accurate expression. It feels like my introverted version of rebellion, actually. Someone recently asked me how I rebelled as an adolescent, and I said I didn’t really. But I suppose if there’s one primary way I undermined the status quo of my life, it was laziness. I have since discovered that discipline is a choice, not just a personality trait.
One aspect of discipline is self-observation. That is how I noticed that I quite specifically move and think in ways that throw off my accuracy. So then I asked myself, are these behaviors serving any positive function? And if not, what exactly are they doing there? That’s how I arrived at the sensation of phobia. A wall. A hot spot in my psyche.

Even the non sequitur titles of these blogs could be my way of throwing or including a wrench in the consistency of the format.

originally published on 1/10/08

Everything becomes a cliche. Everything already is a cliche. Would you rather be a self-aware cliche or an oblivious one?
I refuse to value myself, even just enough for basic tending to my needs. I have severe confidence, self-love issues. So isn’t it safe to say I would be hypocritical to accuse someone else of a more harmful version of the same thing? At least in anything other than a compassionate way?

I seem to have a terrible time with honesty. It eludes me when I long for it. I spend much of my time dancing around the truth. Or else I am ridiculously blunt. It’s one extreme or another. I suspect I was taught this propensity.

Interesting that lying was the one sin in our house that merited punishment. Is that to say that honesty could be forced into you? Maybe lying was an attempt at a different sort of truth-telling. One that tended to be overlooked or squelched.

I am left with a great deal of confusion regarding how to negotiate honesty in my life. Where does it come from, within or without? How do you know if you’re lying or being secretive? Stretching the truth might be between the two. Or exaggerating or filtering out elements of the total picture. It’s one thing to have some level of privacy, and another to shun truths from yourself. To suppress your own knowledge and experience from yourself doesn’t seem to help anyone. Least of all myself.

originally published on 3/23/08

I think the things I enjoy the most (without simultaneously making me feel like crap about myself) are things I do out of choice. As the catch word of the day puts it: interactively. What I was wondering was to what degree one can choose one’s actions? Is 100% even within the realm of possibility? If you get a good 40% or so going, that’s fairly good odds already, right?
When I say 100%, I mean that you are getting no assistance whatsoever from outside yourself, and you may even be getting resistance. But you nevertheless make your chosen move. It seems there is always some level of give and take coming from your environment, directing you and convincing you and nudging you towards different decisions. They come from both the past and the present, the here and the elsewhere, the corporeal and the spiritual.

Much of my difficulty in life stems from the low percentages I am getting. I have a very hard time sticking up for myself. There are special situations where I have higher percentages, but I can’t seem to instill that gutsiness in other arenas.

Thinking in terms of gradation like this is a comfort for me. Normally I get stuck in an all or nothing perception. This will help me feel I can work little by little.

originally published on 6/28/08