Tag Archives: random thoughts

reflections within

21

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I not only have issues with distancing myself – to the point of shunning – from the present, but I am positively prejudiced against it. I adore the past, and always keep a torch burning bright for the future. The present though, I could care less. I always am wishing it simply would disappear. And eventually you get your wishes. I wish dearly I could appreciate the present. And not just for a minute or two, and not just after a near-death-experience. I think that describes well what was happening there in South Dakota. All I needed was the present. I didn’t need any Earth-shattering memories of the past or intense yearnings and plannings for the future. I didn’t need my normally overwhelming fantasy life. I only needed to wake up in the morning. I remember telling people that, actually. Somehow a calamity puts things nicely in perspective. It’s dangerous to have things too good, it seems.
When I speak of the present, it means both the actual present moment, or more key perhaps, present day life situations.

originally published on 1/02/10

reflections within

1

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Left to my own devices… Why must that be such an imbalanced state? Can’t I just be left alone once in a while? Must I always feel I am teetering on the precipice of making all the worst choices for myself if I have no one to lean up against and be guided by? I am noticing just how emotional it all is, not sufficiently logical or intellectual. I am not really an idiot. I know reasonably well how to be a functioning member of society and how not to be an assortment of self-destructive behaviors. I am just way too infantile in my reactiveness.
Oh, no! I have once again been abandoned! I will wither away and die! Where is my mother’s breast to suckle on? What will provide some modicum of comfort in this total void in which I find myself? Isn’t there one person who loves me in all of this world?

It is great when you find rapport and solidarity with those whom you spend time with. It is crucial to have that give and take, that pushing and pulling of personalities and passions. I think I might also need to acquire that in my solitary life. In other words, there is no such thing as unadulterated solitude. There always need be a flow, an awareness and participation in the yin and yang, the attraction and repulsion, the artist and the scientist, the cleanliness and the disarray, the mob and the hermit, between yourself and the surrounding community. Maybe my own devices are not as much my own as I originally thought.

Perhaps the difference between an infant and myself is the capacity for creative spark. I do not need to rely on someone else to make known my innate contributions to the universe. I do not need to wait until someone translates my feelings in order to compare and contrast them with those around me, eventually collaborating with my brothers and sisters of humanity. I am my own flower, capable of however much blooming I opt for at the moment.

originally published on 8/20/09

reflections within

2

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No, no, no. I feel the need to rebel. It is not such an easy act for me, as it seems for others. To put my foot down. Either in a defiant posture or in true passion for something. I tend to hold it in, letting it out in fits and starts when the opportunity arises. I need to make more opportunities for myself. Then it might not be such an exercise in keeping the horses gated in when it comes to my heart and imagination. Let the air out of the balloon, slowly but surely.
It’s interesting to find the myriad ways of doing this. It has been one of the most personal quests I have ever undertaken. This is something few talk about, at least in my circles. People are a tad surprised about this blog, for instance. They didn’t know I had it in me, or had an urge to express it like so. It is rather a natural act for me to write this. It’s my exhibitionistic journal, you know. I would not have been able to foresee the usefulness and serenity this brings me at times. And that is true for many things I have dabbled in. I have to leave myself open to trying things which may seem to contrast with other aspects of my life. The greater risk seems to be too much closed-off-ed-ness, so it’s safe for me to keep my options open.

There’s also a temporal side to the experimentation. Knowing how long and how often to stay in a situation or a feeling is equally important to the acts themselves. Time can be your friend or your enemy.

originally published on 8/22/09

hypotheses and philosophies

4

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I just noticed that I was about to repeat myself here. Imagine that. I suppose I might be able to work out some of my patterned behavior if I dissect this blog a bit. If I were to figure out what my patterns were, would that be of some help for me, or am I really unchangeable deep down? Do you try to accept who you are and make your life fit around you, or do you try to accomplish certain things in life and work to fitting your personal tendencies better? Is pain or pleasure better at urging you to change? I think pleasure and comfort actually tend to pull me back to earlier patterns, whereas discomfort and sorrow require some new action be taken.

What I was wondering is, are there long-range patterns which I could decipher? I think today is a new day, but is it? Maybe today is the 4th day of a bi-weekly pattern which I just haven’t figured out yet. Perhaps knowing that would give me the opportunity to observe this ebb and flow of my moods and habits. If I can observe, then I can see which things are serving me well and which are ridiculously useless. Maybe I can plan out a new map for how I will manage the natural shapes of my cycles.

originally published on 9/13/09

reflections within

5

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I have written many journal entries recently, on paper. I didn’t feel anybody needed to see them. It’s not like some instances when I feel the issues are too personal. It’s more a question of sharing. There’s a side of me that just really sucks at opening up. Maybe some would wonder if there is another side at all. It is possible for me to be extraordinarily open. When I feel that way, I still have a glimmer of the closed, private side in my field of perception. Likewise when I’m feeling pent up – I know there’s the other half waiting for its chance to shine through. But these appear to be equally true, valid halves of the whole. I can’t just eschew one of them on a whim. Man, I wish I could sometimes. I want them to be friends, partners, gracefully navigating through daily events and interactions, but particularly internal swings. External events are much less reliable and critical than the odd, uncharted biological hills and valleys which sear through us hour to hour. It’s quite a trick knowing when our mind, heart or body will summon up sensations which we then need to live out in some way. I am sure these are not accidental nor incidental; they have little to do with what goes on around us.

originally published on 9/13/09

hypotheses and philosophies

9

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When you’re a kid, it’s almost expected that you will imitate, emulate, and basically ape your way through most complex interactions. I suppose that’s fine, except for the fact that at some point it ceases to serve your true, actual needs as a person. Which is really annoying. How are you supposed to be able to suddenly tap your real self?

So then what happens is we all start to harden into our various facades, hoping we will grow comfortable with them enough to deem them the real us. Of course that just puts more barriers between us and Us. Don’t you hate when you think you’ve uncovered something totally genuine, only to find you were duped by your own good intentions?

originally published on 11/14/09

hypotheses and philosophies

10

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Too many distractions. Hard to know what might be going on in this heart. Leaping around from thing to thing. But that seems to be the point. It is the distractions which are designed to cover it up. The whole of society enjoys them. Garbage in, garbage out. That may explain the driving need to express myself. I let in so much jumbled, chaotic gobbledygook that it’s no wonder there’s a boatload to unload. Maybe peace lives where nothing comes in and nothing goes out. Just a stasis, a balance point.

originally published on 11/14/09

everyday observations

11

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I am sometimes in need of pencil and paper when I am at the gym, so I’ve resorted to using my mobile phone’s little notepad for my mental machinations, as such:
One problem is that I think conversation is not worthwhile if it doesn’t involve kvetching about something. Is that rational? Is it rational to think that that leads to happiness? Am I aiming for happiness? Am I allowed to experience contentment? What would happen then? Would the world come to a screeching halt? I’d say it comes to a halt the way things are right now! I don’t know about anyone else, but that seems to be the way I work. Or maybe I don’t understand the word contentment.

That took two note’s worth of memory.

How about this one, which may be inevitable at a gym:

There are pros and cons to being attracted to many people while remaining faithful to one. The con is obvious – it’s frustrating and creates an unraveling sense of yourself. The pro is less apparent – it is derived from the perspective making choices gives you. If you consider it for a moment, you will see how key it can be to a personal peace of mind. One cannot be monogamous and promiscuous simultaneously. You have to exercise choice to make the wiser decision. It’s not just a decision – it’s a long-term state of existence as you go along. That is the advantage of seeing the various angles of life. It’s nearly impossible to determine the wisdom of things right off – initially, you’re mostly swayed by emotion. It’s only as you live hour to hour, day to day, that you can accurately judge how it all pans out.

originally published on 11/15/09

reflections within

13

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If I pay attention, I see I am feeling hidden anger. Why must I wait until things get life-sized and difficult to manage?
But it’s hard to pinpoint its source. Is it mostly long-forgotten and long-dismissed incidents from long ago? It seems like it. So if I’ve disregarded the importance of those old feelings, chances are I never went through any grieving-type process. I never actually let myself get angry, or sad, or forgave anyone, or had any other naturally occurring offshoots from painful experiences.

My tendency to hold in my anger, even to my own eyes, could be a result of my fear that if I start letting it out, it will overwhelm me and everyone in the vicinity. I also may perceive it as unclassy. Or maybe it will be underwhelming, and seem wimpy. It’ll look like sour grapes, or like I’m a crybaby. Not like a real man.

originally published on 11/23/09

hypotheses and philosophies

Blip

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The human heart seeks expression. But it seems that some of the most beautiful forms of such demand significant limits. I think that I want endlessness and unbridled-ness. And I do. But there must be the yin to accommodate the yang. Otherwise you fall off the deep end and you lose exactly that destination, that telos you most want to savor.

The need for constraint comes more naturally for some than others. You are naturally drawn to those who personify contrasting qualities. It is the painful truth of yin and yang. It is the irony which flies below the radar oftentimes.

originally published on 1/23/10