Breathe. That was the advice I was giving myself on one of my OA phone calls, one of the first ones.
I didn’t sneeze at the concert. That’s good. I must have not subjected my body to the toxins I have been known to do, which cause my body to try to rid itself of them.
Hate and love.
If a power greater than myself might see fit to restore me to sanity, then it probably is more interested in love than hate. If I can consider believing in that power, then I can also consider believing in the possibility that it doesn’t hate me. And if It doesn’t hate me, then maybe there’s some hope of me not hating myself either.
I guess I don’t expect any readers of this writing to come away chock full of brilliantly thought out ideas. I would just like to think that they would be able to breathe a little easier. To feel less trapped inside of their own fears and neuroses. I guess there’s a difference between just making yourself take a breath, and breeeaathing. Breeeaathing. There’s also a difference between trying to quiet your chattery mind, and experiencing a natural quiet and peacefulness from another place.
Tag Archives: relaxation
Lars
I’ve been trying to lighten up – with my left hand, that is. I listen to Itzhak Perlman and watch his videos, and there is such a relaxed, easy approach he takes. I don’t see the lack of effort doing him any harm, certainly, and it is probably quite beneficial. When I loosen up my vise grip it doesn’t always give me the sound that I am striving for. I believe that once I get used to this freer, gentler sound, it won’t bother me anymore. It also seems that by concentrating on my left arm, there is a spiraling effect to the rest of my body, and my mind, too. It’s almost as if I have made one spot the focal point for all of the tension simmering within me, and if I let that go, everything else falls away, too, like a domino effect.
originally published on 8/4/07
Almost
Looking around tonight at my colleagues, I realized that I am different than them. Other people seem like they can let loose, do whatever they want, enjoy the feeling, the moment, and they won’t severely injure themselves. They won’t become fatigued to the point of incapacitation.
Others seem like they have a natural ceiling installed within themselves which protects them from over-exertion. I sure wish I had that. Perhaps that goes back to my earlier discoveries about having a lack of boundaries. It’s just very easy for me to overdo.
So tonight I tried to stop myself from overdoing. Unfortunately I ended up underdoing, which is also a problem in the end. Maybe that’s what other people are doing – staying within a certain range of action and thought and feeling. They’re lucky, ain’t they.
originally published on 8/12/07
Larkening
I somehow am under the misapprehension that you must be in a state of undue tension in order to make and emote beautiful music. I have been trying to relax as much as possible, as I have blogged previously, but once my initial tryout period fizzles out, I come back to what I must consider “real playing.” The relaxed version of my playing does not register in my mental musical associations. It’s like fluff. But I need to convince my inner self otherwise, not primarily for comfort, in truth. It really sounds superior on many fronts. It is really more in tune, and more ringing, and much easier to phrase and play around with colors.
I guess I thought that by impersonating Perlman in a sense, the looseness would come about and be absorbed and assimilated by sheer emotionality and love and admiration. I suppose my love for my own musical taste and needs supersedes that.
originally published on 8/14/07
Lacadosic
Human. I am one, apparently. Against all I’ve been taught to believe, I am but a guy, with the full gamut of weaknesses and foibles that goes along with the gender and species.
If I can courageously accept this humanity, who knows what may lie in store? If I am allowed to err, I may end up taking a risk once in a while. I may also relax my ever-present vigilance and tension and simply enjoy the act of being alive (versus the alternative – dead and buried). I have found that it is pretty sucky not to fess up to my humanness. You end up getting sucked into all the negativity of other people who also aren’t enjoying their humanness.
I did recently play one concert with this in mind, and it worked out quite well. Allowing myself to be vulnerable and trusting of my most essential self took a weight off my shoulders. It gave me a psychological calmness which radiated to my physical state. I ended up being far more tension-free than when I am only focusing on my physical state. I also ended up unintentionally removing the burden of feeling irked by those around me, being that they are just human, too. Imagine that!
originally published on 3/15/08
Cruella
I am now noticing that there are a number of things conspiring against my efforts not to curl my fingers. Pizzicato, vibrato, shifting and staccato strokes all have a tendency to encourage that shape. I must be vigilant in order not to fall right back into my old habits.
Another ally I have is the thumbs. Although they have their own leanings towards hooking in the opposing direction, when I focus on keeping them more neutral, the fingers do respond in kind.
originally published on 11/9/08
Intertwixed
I’ve had a couple of good days of musical digging with my friend. We’ve gone through my concerto movement by movement to understand what is being portrayed. I was reminded of Bull Durham in the sense of the wise adviser and the semi-mindless pupil (me being Tim Robbins). It’s amazing to me how I can embody either role depending on the circumstance. Also how it is impossible to imagine myself in the alternate position during the other.
Although I feel better physically simply when I am exploring and extracting things musically, I have also come upon another technical idiosyncrasy which I know you will care about. Focusing on releasing the hand/arm affects the opposing one in like fashion. I guess I already knew this, but now I am seeing the true benefits of this approach over direct relaxation. It is much less likely to backfire. I perpetually undermine my efforts to relax (!) by overdoing the relaxing mantra I am working for at the moment. I become obsessed over the body part in question to the exclusion of all else, and I end up quite imbalanced as a human being. You may be surprised how easy this is to do to myself.
On the other hand, the indirect approach to looseness seems to prevent this overfocusing. It also has the benefit of affecting a more well-rounded proportion of my body.
originally published on 4/27/09
Iffy
I played tonight here in WY. I was focusing on my relaxation goals. I noticed the response of my instinct/training in regards to my breathing. On different nights I breathe differently. Of course, everything changes on a constant basis. It can be rather annoying, but once a nice girl colleague at a music festival told me it’s better than being bored.
One thing I noticed about breathing is the continuum between total inhalation and total exhalation and the effect it has on my overall sensation. When you inhale it is a refreshing, invigorating feeling, and it gives a somewhat strengthening result. During exhalation, you feel soothed, calmed and loosened. It can make you feel like rubber.
The troubling thing that happens in my head if I make strides, is that I get overwhelmed by the possibilities and permutations. I suppose that isn’t helpful for any mental equilibrium.
originally published on 8/5/07
Pinto
Today I realized something at rehearsal. It’s a good thing, too, and is as follows: I can incorporate the Perlmanesque approach I’ve been working on as an ingredient in my playing, rather than the whole entree. Having worked fairly steadily for the past few days on being utterly loose, I noticed this feeling cropping up this morning even when I wasn’t focusing on doing it. I was trying to be relaxed in general, but the specific Perlman loosy-goosy-handed and -armed sensation is special, so I could tell when it arrived.
It’s more organic for me to continue on in my practicing with the semi-vague goal of simple non-tension, versus the somewhat idiosyncratic Itzhak way of doing things. I don’t feel obliged to suppress the other positive influences on the health of my playing, either. They can be all friends and share space inside me, I hope.
originally published on 8/8/07