I get so tired of my dual-ness. Always one thing or the other. Always vacillating. Loud:Soft. Isn’t it one of those things we learn as toddlers? Opposites. We are trained in opposites. Ugh. Such conditioning.
We can’t have a clear path to growth. Always bumping up against the wall of duality. I am of course grateful to Krishnamurti for enlightening me.
So it starts in childhood, this duality. But it doesn’t end. It goes on and on. It permeates everything. The trouble is, it’s not natural. Nature is not dual. Nature does not chop. Nature doesn’t need these words, for instance. These words are here to redefine the categories we impose on everything. I need these words to find my way through. What a bloody nightmare. It is a nightmare of our own making. Good and evil. Nature doesn’t need that.
When I watch At Close Range it gets me thinking about good and evil. I try to live my life with awareness of good and evil. I love both sides of myself. I hate having to pick sides. Pick a paint color for the bedroom wall. Pick a mattress type. Pick a school for Cody. Pick a religion to subscribe to.
The idea is that if I pick the wrong side, or attempt not to pick one at all, I am destined to bring evil into the world and into my life. If you’re not good, you’re evil. What other choice do you have? You have to pick a side, right? There have to be opposites, right? Republican and Democrat seems to be a common one these days.
One of the lovely outgrowths of duality is judgment. I can say that pretty much every single time I cast a judgment, great or small, I feel something dirty. I feel soiled inside. And the only way I can ever hope to relinquish that dirt is to cease seeing everything as chopped up into two parts. Judging is contagious, by the way. And attracting. You feel good if you see others doing it, since you’re doing it – it validates you. I can’t believe how deep it runs through our culture and our societal development.
Maybe the hardest thing is to stop judging yourself. From there you can release judgment of others.
Tag Archives: wisdom
clammed
I know what was bugging George Michael. That voice. That voice from One More Try. It was golden. He could make any sound he wanted. He could evoke any emotion. And of course he was quite good looking. There were probably other exceptional aspects of his early adulthood. These things are not easy to see decay. Maybe the higher you fly, the harder is the fall. You need special people to guide you through the dark and unending mist of aging/growing. I have had many such guides. Even one lovely one who informed me that South Americans and Europeans find bald men sexy.
I can’t forget the feeling of wanting to hang it up. It may be my only hope. When all is lost, you will see the light shining like a tiny dot in the distance. When all expectations are gone, I stop the perpetual block. The block of judgment. The block of ranking. It seemed my friend Monica was gaining that sort of release and wisdom when we played together last season and recently. Maybe you have to play like you don’t care. Maybe I have to do that with more urgency that some others who are physically stronger. There have been other physiological issues in my life that seem to have forced me to live a bit cleaner and wiser than some others. Like I said in the last blog, pain and suffering have been important teachers for me. And it’s not for altruism’s sake. I see the writing on the Wall of Mortality. And I am constantly playing catch-up. More wisdom from another confidante. That life is not stacked in our favor. Which seems to apply to many subjects. On the other hand, we should be feeling lucky that we have the option at least to contemplate and grow. Moreso than the rest of the animal kingdom.
Accept except
I see a lot of good things coming from a belief in a HP. But in contrast, there is also a greater pleasure experienced when I disobey Him. But I must not be deceived – the pleasures cannot become my focal point. I must keep the purer goals foremost in my actions. See how judgmental I get? So bossy. So quick to make proclamations that don’t leave me open to growth. They may seem like good proclamations, but they aren’t really mine to make.
It may be my mood. This morning. Maybe it’s alright to make good proclamations. I hear Cody talking, and it’s distracting me, making it difficult to stay in the mist of my traveling mind path.
I mean, how easy do I think it will be to do what I am suggesting, to not use my newfound purity as a means to get more out of the guiltier pleasures? Isn’t it one of those challenges I’ve been discussing of late? Challenges that seem to be present even for the most pious among us. I like the idea of being a part of the human race. Why don’t I? Is it because of the great public school system? The one mom was touting. I know I experienced a great freedom when I escaped from academia. I could learn on my own terms and experience the world likewise. Did I need protection prior to that? People approached their educations differently. Some gigged a lot, thus feeling the breeze of the outside world during their time in the educational system. She doesn’t always seem to appreciate the winding and treacherous road I’ve traveled to be even slightly happy.
The interesting thing is that so many of these questions seem to have answers found in a solid practice of faith. I understand it’s not logical. I understand. I understand pleasures of the concrete world and of our senses seem to be the more obvious, reasoned choice. However what about the evidence? I am truly experiencing a burgeoning of wisdom the more I seek the unseen wisdom of a higher power. And not only wisdom. But a deep happiness.